Why do I do it to myself? Of course I can't be patient and wait for them to call me, I have to ring and hassle them out. Them is the assessment people. Then Dazza loses his job, again. Of course. That's 5 jobs in 5 months! What in the world is happening here???
So the call came that they wanted to start on the 4th of July! But that only gives me one weekend to finish my house to the way I want it to be when they arrive. Eek horror.
I changed my mind, I can't do this, ok I can but its going to be hard. I have changed the date of starting to the 11th so that it give me an extra weekend. Having said that, I really have wasted this Saturday by doing nothing.
Do I really want this or not?
Can I live with being child free forever?
Do I want to change my lifestyle, change the way I treat my animals (treated as children at the moment)?
I know I am looking forward to having the dogs outside more, to at least keep the floors clean longer and the dirt and dust out. Maybe the furniture will not be cover in dust from the heating system if the dirt isn't sucked into the roof heating?
Maybe its the rejection I think I can't handle so I sabotage myself instead, maybe I don't think I'm good enough to be a mum. I should just carry on being a critic of those you can be.
I went into Baby Bunting yesterday with my mum, I just looked at everything, I couldn't believe how many cribs there were on offer, not to mention the prams!!! Everywhere I looked there were pregnant women. I didn't know if to smile or just cry because I will never be one of them. If I had a thin body maybe that would make me feel better, to think I could have a baby without getting fat, but I'm already fat. Maybe I'll use my gym membership soon to at least lose some weight and get healthy so that if the Gods to grant me the honour of being a mum, I'll be fit enough to take it on.
So at the end of all that, the assessment is due to commence on the 11th of July, no telling when it will end yet, but I'm sure the process will be painful.