Sunday, September 23, 2007

Here I am

Thought I had better sign in and blog before the world of bloggers forgets about me!

Not that much has been happening in my life of late. I have successfully stopped dieting, a good thing in a way but also bad. Luckily for me as I have been sick, I haven't really put on any weight since giving up dieting. I have consistently stayed just under 82kgs so I am at least happy with that. unfortunately for me its TTOM so am again feeling sorry for myself and they medication for my tum hasn't kicked in yet darn it. I am feeling a flurry of emotions of late. My dear friend who has been doing IVF along with me has finally fallen pregnant again and fingers crossed that its a keeper, but along with this has brought back to my mind to try IVF again. But in doing this, it prolongs the adoption route as you have to have given up IVF for at least 6 months. That takes me to nearly 40 and Dazza 44. Adoption is a long road as it is, do I want to prolong it any further? But the thought of having our own........................ its just so hard. I sometimes think that even though we have done a lot of treatments over our 14 years, we really haven't done allot of IVF, 4-5 treatments I think in total. That's not a lot when you think about it.

I've started to dream again about kids, started to think about permanent care which isn't somewhere I wanted to go. Permanent care is were a child/children have been removed via a court and the parents can not 'ever' have the kids back but you can not adopt them/change their names. These kids can range from birth to 12 years of age. It may sound horrible but I don't want a child that I need to battle with over their past bad experiences. I know that its not their doing but the actions of their parents that have gotten them there, but in the end you can't expect that the kids won't have these bad experiences rubbing off onto them. I guess that my nephews are what brings be to these mixed feelings, even though they are the ones that helped me get to the adoption thought, but the thought that you can raise a kid from a young age, and it doesn't matter what you do for them throughout their lives, they can still not turn back the hands of time. What they have learnt through bad experiences in their past can not be erased. I do believe it is Nature not Nurture that makes people who they are.

So back to my sickness, I am still couching, don't know how those smokers can put up with constantly coughing all the time. I've had it for 2 weeks and am about to climb the walls. Work has been OK, I've been thinking again that I really don't want to work in a call centre but then one day on the phones and all of my thoughts and fears of 'I can't do this' went out the window. its so hard, I am 38 years old and don't know what I want to do with my life. I guess a large part that has been holding me back from exploring what I would want to do is the 'child' thing. As all I have ever wanted to do/be is a stay at home mum and since I have never been able to realise this, its the only thing I want. Oh that and more money of course!

Oh well I think I have done enough of making myself sick of my own thoughts, I'll sign off for now and you just never know, I could be back................


Cherub said...

I read your posts and so want to offer words of wisdom but there is nothing that I can say that would make your decisions easier for you. I can't imagine the feelings you are experiencing.

All I can say is good luck with everything.


Kristy said...

It's nice to see you back on blogging Sue and I can't imagine the emotions and decisions that you are having make as I too want children later on down the track and would be heartbroken if I can't.

I wish you all the best Sue and hope to see you back blogging soon.

Take care

Kek said...

Thank goodness you're back....I was this close *holds up thumb and finger* to coming over and banging on your door. Your email wasn't ver reassuring either....