Ok, its now time to get extremely serious.
I have just shot down any chance of adopting via the adoption agency so my only hope of being a mother is to have a baby. In doing this I will have to go through more IVF either here or oversea.
To help my cause I will have to lose a fair amount of weight to help with conception. This means no more empty promises to myself. I must, I will do it!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
the end
After 2 long years of playing games with our adoption board, we have called it quits.
It appeared no end in sight for all the bad things that they wanted us to do and the bad things that they would say about my family. Today they wanted me to have controlled visits with my father as he was once a alcoholic, now I mean once a long time ago, just think I am nearly 42 and the last time my father was drunk was when I was about maybe 9 years old.
I told her that I think that the department that they work for are analysing the wrong group of people. The people who want to be parents, plan and save to become parents, we are not the people that they are being paid to protect and who have the children taken from them because of our life styles.
Daz thinks we could go to panel but we would probably only be turned down at panel as the department boss who already doesn't like smokers (Daz is a smoker) and thinks we are freaks as Daz also has pet snakes would be on said panel.
I am really mad because these people have the goal to judge me not good enough to be a mother.
Just because our reproductive systems do not work does not me an that we are less, that we do not deserve to be parents, just because someone else deems us not good enough.
Today I had to bite my lip and I didn't like it!
It appeared no end in sight for all the bad things that they wanted us to do and the bad things that they would say about my family. Today they wanted me to have controlled visits with my father as he was once a alcoholic, now I mean once a long time ago, just think I am nearly 42 and the last time my father was drunk was when I was about maybe 9 years old.
I told her that I think that the department that they work for are analysing the wrong group of people. The people who want to be parents, plan and save to become parents, we are not the people that they are being paid to protect and who have the children taken from them because of our life styles.
Daz thinks we could go to panel but we would probably only be turned down at panel as the department boss who already doesn't like smokers (Daz is a smoker) and thinks we are freaks as Daz also has pet snakes would be on said panel.
I am really mad because these people have the goal to judge me not good enough to be a mother.
Just because our reproductive systems do not work does not me an that we are less, that we do not deserve to be parents, just because someone else deems us not good enough.
Today I had to bite my lip and I didn't like it!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Catch up
I live a very boring life. I'm the first to admit it, wish it were more but I think with more comes drama, drama I don't need.
Last week I went to my first Zumba class, however was not what I expected. In the end I realised it was my mistake. Should have realised that Zumba/FB is not one or the other but a combination of the 2 in 1 class : I was a little disappointed in the instructor as there were more than myself that this was the first class we had attended and there was "no show of hands of who has not done the class before" question asked just straight into it. I had taken my niece Mandy with me and I think I've said before she is lets say well over 100kilos, exercise is not something she is used to.
Then after about 45 minutes we were told to get a barbell and put 2.5 kilos on each side, neither of us had used these clips to hold on a weight before and Mandy had one fly off whilst in mid air. They was no showing us how to put these on, no correcting of technique, no asking if there were any injuries, just straight in. I found that less than amusing. I didn't complain to management as you only pay $3.30 per class, this is probably why they wouldn't really care. Although they would still be liable in there gym I guess, maybe I should call.....
So other than that burst of energy, I really haven't been doing much except some yard projects and working. I've become perm part time at my job which is good I guess, Daz has been healthy for the most part, still waiting for a new operation date for his heart, I have to fix up some female bits and pieces. The adoption assessment is still going on. I think they are trying and succeeding in doing my head in.
Well better go and wake Daz up and get ourselves into gear for the mothers day thing.
Happy Mothers Day to all you mothers out there.........
Last week I went to my first Zumba class, however was not what I expected. In the end I realised it was my mistake. Should have realised that Zumba/FB is not one or the other but a combination of the 2 in 1 class : I was a little disappointed in the instructor as there were more than myself that this was the first class we had attended and there was "no show of hands of who has not done the class before" question asked just straight into it. I had taken my niece Mandy with me and I think I've said before she is lets say well over 100kilos, exercise is not something she is used to.
Then after about 45 minutes we were told to get a barbell and put 2.5 kilos on each side, neither of us had used these clips to hold on a weight before and Mandy had one fly off whilst in mid air. They was no showing us how to put these on, no correcting of technique, no asking if there were any injuries, just straight in. I found that less than amusing. I didn't complain to management as you only pay $3.30 per class, this is probably why they wouldn't really care. Although they would still be liable in there gym I guess, maybe I should call.....
So other than that burst of energy, I really haven't been doing much except some yard projects and working. I've become perm part time at my job which is good I guess, Daz has been healthy for the most part, still waiting for a new operation date for his heart, I have to fix up some female bits and pieces. The adoption assessment is still going on. I think they are trying and succeeding in doing my head in.
Well better go and wake Daz up and get ourselves into gear for the mothers day thing.
Happy Mothers Day to all you mothers out there.........
Saturday, May 08, 2010
My name is Sue and its been 3 months since my last post.............
Nothing has changed here, still waiting on D*HS to finish there dam report and waiting for panel. Just when I thought it was over I was caught in a white lie about how many times I had seen the hypnotherapist :( Had to go back and see her again and will again in another week but hopefully that will satisfy them although beginning to think that nothing with satisfy them at D*HS.
I have been very close to calling an end to the process many times but am reminded my Daz that we are so close to the end that we might as well continue.
In the mean time we have been working on doing some 'outside' projects in the yard and the front of the house. Once they are complete I will try and post some pictures.
Nothing has changed here, still waiting on D*HS to finish there dam report and waiting for panel. Just when I thought it was over I was caught in a white lie about how many times I had seen the hypnotherapist :( Had to go back and see her again and will again in another week but hopefully that will satisfy them although beginning to think that nothing with satisfy them at D*HS.
I have been very close to calling an end to the process many times but am reminded my Daz that we are so close to the end that we might as well continue.
In the mean time we have been working on doing some 'outside' projects in the yard and the front of the house. Once they are complete I will try and post some pictures.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Change? NO......
Not much has changed here in this household.
I am still the same weight give or take 500gms. I haven't made any effort besides join a gym about 6 weeks ago and still haven't been in for a session. Nothing really changes here.
Mum's been back in hospital having her C4/C5 removed. She is getting around quite well actually 2 weeks out from the operation, can you believe that she only had to stay in hospital for 2 days for that operation. In Thursday out Saturday morning. Amazing. Although she really can't do anything like standing up for long periods, can't drive for 6 weeks, yesterday when I went to she her surprisingly she was up and dressed and really to come to my place for a visit. Although she was exhausted when she got home, sitting up so much.
It makes me appreciate my body for what I have. Most of my siblings have a complaint of some type, my sister has arthritis, lung disease and graves disease, my brother has diabetes, my oldest brother had varicose veins and I have nothing except excess weight.
I see that Frankie over at The Fifi Dangerfield Files is going to give herself a 42day challenge, it got me thinking that as soon as I read that I wanted to join in. Although Frankie has some health issues different to me, it just spurs me on to have someone else going through the same thing at the same time. Allot of the blogs I read are now of women who have reached their goal and are now PT's so no one that I can really relate to anymore.
My goal for losing this weight is to have a baby, it has always been my goal but I never seem to achieve it. Is it because I don't believe it will happen or because deep down I don't want it to happen??? This makes me think allot. I actually think that its, I can't deal with the pain of coming to the conclusion that I may never actually have a baby no matter how much I try so why try? I'm not kidding myself, I am getting older, I'm 41 and a half. I know women can have babies at this age, I have seen it with my own eyes, but do they make the best mothers????
Anyway back onto the fitness route, I have joined a gym as previously mentioned although I haven't bothered to go, it was a cheap memberships so I grabbed it up. The down side, it runs for 3 years. That's right, you read right, 3 years. And now I have found another gym, Five Star, albeit a little further away is doing Zumba at $3.30 per session! I really want to try it but don't want to go on my own. I think I have talked my niece Miss Mandy into going, she has allot of weight to lose and what better than having fun with this cardio dance. My only issue is how late its on, week days at 9pm, I'm normally in bed by then :O its going to be hard, I've been doing 10 hour days at work and then to get to the class which will finish about 10pm, life is not going to be happy at my house.
I am still the same weight give or take 500gms. I haven't made any effort besides join a gym about 6 weeks ago and still haven't been in for a session. Nothing really changes here.
Mum's been back in hospital having her C4/C5 removed. She is getting around quite well actually 2 weeks out from the operation, can you believe that she only had to stay in hospital for 2 days for that operation. In Thursday out Saturday morning. Amazing. Although she really can't do anything like standing up for long periods, can't drive for 6 weeks, yesterday when I went to she her surprisingly she was up and dressed and really to come to my place for a visit. Although she was exhausted when she got home, sitting up so much.
It makes me appreciate my body for what I have. Most of my siblings have a complaint of some type, my sister has arthritis, lung disease and graves disease, my brother has diabetes, my oldest brother had varicose veins and I have nothing except excess weight.
I see that Frankie over at The Fifi Dangerfield Files is going to give herself a 42day challenge, it got me thinking that as soon as I read that I wanted to join in. Although Frankie has some health issues different to me, it just spurs me on to have someone else going through the same thing at the same time. Allot of the blogs I read are now of women who have reached their goal and are now PT's so no one that I can really relate to anymore.
My goal for losing this weight is to have a baby, it has always been my goal but I never seem to achieve it. Is it because I don't believe it will happen or because deep down I don't want it to happen??? This makes me think allot. I actually think that its, I can't deal with the pain of coming to the conclusion that I may never actually have a baby no matter how much I try so why try? I'm not kidding myself, I am getting older, I'm 41 and a half. I know women can have babies at this age, I have seen it with my own eyes, but do they make the best mothers????
Anyway back onto the fitness route, I have joined a gym as previously mentioned although I haven't bothered to go, it was a cheap memberships so I grabbed it up. The down side, it runs for 3 years. That's right, you read right, 3 years. And now I have found another gym, Five Star, albeit a little further away is doing Zumba at $3.30 per session! I really want to try it but don't want to go on my own. I think I have talked my niece Miss Mandy into going, she has allot of weight to lose and what better than having fun with this cardio dance. My only issue is how late its on, week days at 9pm, I'm normally in bed by then :O its going to be hard, I've been doing 10 hour days at work and then to get to the class which will finish about 10pm, life is not going to be happy at my house.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A little embarrassed
I can't believe how I have let myself go again. I know that the weight is still the same and my flexibility is crap but this is ridiculous!
I had to do a physical for my job on Thursday and remember it is now Saturday.......... well it started badly I guess at my own hands.
I worked the day and finished at 1.30pm, so I have not had any lunch at this time. I had to drive practically from the Melbourne airport to Port Melbourne, basically where the Spirit of Tasmania comes in. On the way I passed a KFC, which of course I did go through the drive through, it was lunchtime after all. I didn't think at the time that I was doing anything wrong but in hindsight, well.
So the part that I am embarrassed about.......
I had to do 10 squats holding a milk crate with some weights in it, I guess maybe up to 15 kilos in it. 10 squats, I remember doing a whole heck of allot more than that before.
Well lets just say, 15 and I think my saying of 'the toilet is not my friend' would have been back.
I can't believe how out of shape I really must be, it really is a wake up call. I can't believe that 10 squats has made me think about taking STRONG pain medication. Once I start with that medication I find it difficult to stop, love the buzz from them. So I resisted and have taken some panadol but am still in shock that 10 squats has reduced me to.
I did join a gym 2 weeks ago and shame on me, I haven't been once. After this though I really have to make the time to get there and stop making excuses for why its too hard.
I think back only say 2 years ago and I was 84kilos and wanted to lose the weight, I was embarrassed at the sight of myself, now I'm 95 kilos on a good day. I think I will be in for a great deal more pain in my near future but I hope that I can stick to it, that's my problem, I love to think about how I will look once I lose 40 kilos, but I still seem to sit on the couch and watch the Biggest Loser eating good knows what junk.
First step will have to be to start cooking more. I do love to cook but when you have a husband that really doesn't like much unless its junk food, it really isn't inspiring to cook really nice things and see them still on the plate when he takes it to the bin and then later makes a sandwich :(
I had to do a physical for my job on Thursday and remember it is now Saturday.......... well it started badly I guess at my own hands.
I worked the day and finished at 1.30pm, so I have not had any lunch at this time. I had to drive practically from the Melbourne airport to Port Melbourne, basically where the Spirit of Tasmania comes in. On the way I passed a KFC, which of course I did go through the drive through, it was lunchtime after all. I didn't think at the time that I was doing anything wrong but in hindsight, well.
So the part that I am embarrassed about.......
I had to do 10 squats holding a milk crate with some weights in it, I guess maybe up to 15 kilos in it. 10 squats, I remember doing a whole heck of allot more than that before.
Well lets just say, 15 and I think my saying of 'the toilet is not my friend' would have been back.
I can't believe how out of shape I really must be, it really is a wake up call. I can't believe that 10 squats has made me think about taking STRONG pain medication. Once I start with that medication I find it difficult to stop, love the buzz from them. So I resisted and have taken some panadol but am still in shock that 10 squats has reduced me to.
I did join a gym 2 weeks ago and shame on me, I haven't been once. After this though I really have to make the time to get there and stop making excuses for why its too hard.
I think back only say 2 years ago and I was 84kilos and wanted to lose the weight, I was embarrassed at the sight of myself, now I'm 95 kilos on a good day. I think I will be in for a great deal more pain in my near future but I hope that I can stick to it, that's my problem, I love to think about how I will look once I lose 40 kilos, but I still seem to sit on the couch and watch the Biggest Loser eating good knows what junk.
First step will have to be to start cooking more. I do love to cook but when you have a husband that really doesn't like much unless its junk food, it really isn't inspiring to cook really nice things and see them still on the plate when he takes it to the bin and then later makes a sandwich :(
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Its been a week or 2 since I last blogged. I guess lots of things have happened that aren't exciting but I'll tell you about them anyway.
1) I haven't been back to hynotherapy yet because I really didn't have the time or inclination to do it. I think it has something to do with being told you have to do something, even though it was my idea at first, with D*HS giving me the shits with the adoption process I seem to have dug my heels in on this on. Talking about D*HS, I also haven't had the 'possibly' last session with them, Daz had to work the day they were coming so I canceled.
2) Even though Daz was told that if he didn't work on the Sunday we had out meeting with D*HS he would be fired, he got to work after a 2 day break to be fired anyway! Luckily he had already been for an interview on the 2 day break and gotten another job. It just saved him the stress of resigning.
3) That Friday night after I got home from work, dad called to tell me mum needed to go back to the hospital! Yep that's right she is still sick. It came about after a routine check up from last years illness, it appears that the bug that they couldn't find but thought that they had killed, is growing again. Her kidney function went down to 20% so back to the emergency room where they were waiting for her. Its been just over a week and still no end date as yet. She has had that many blood tests, MRI's, x-rays, a colonoscopy but still nothing, no clue. She is even needing potassium now for her heart/kidneys.
4) I went for 2 jobs and didn't get either. It really looked go for one but at the last minute they stopped the process. Remember when I was fired last year. I was stupid and put my manager on as reference. The interviewing company asked why I left and she had no choice but to tell them the truth. That put a stop to everything even though other than that she gave a glowing report. The other job they decided to fill internally, an already trained person.
5) On a good note, I think we are definitely going to do the Thailand donor egg thing. I have some travel brochures that Daz and I have been going through, got some information from Journey Girl and we are starting to save some money. Everyone that we have spoken to about it, family and friends are all for it so here we go.
So we are excited about a new goal, have to finish the other process with D*HS, we aren't going to tell them about our plans of course until they are set in stone.
1) I haven't been back to hynotherapy yet because I really didn't have the time or inclination to do it. I think it has something to do with being told you have to do something, even though it was my idea at first, with D*HS giving me the shits with the adoption process I seem to have dug my heels in on this on. Talking about D*HS, I also haven't had the 'possibly' last session with them, Daz had to work the day they were coming so I canceled.
2) Even though Daz was told that if he didn't work on the Sunday we had out meeting with D*HS he would be fired, he got to work after a 2 day break to be fired anyway! Luckily he had already been for an interview on the 2 day break and gotten another job. It just saved him the stress of resigning.
3) That Friday night after I got home from work, dad called to tell me mum needed to go back to the hospital! Yep that's right she is still sick. It came about after a routine check up from last years illness, it appears that the bug that they couldn't find but thought that they had killed, is growing again. Her kidney function went down to 20% so back to the emergency room where they were waiting for her. Its been just over a week and still no end date as yet. She has had that many blood tests, MRI's, x-rays, a colonoscopy but still nothing, no clue. She is even needing potassium now for her heart/kidneys.
4) I went for 2 jobs and didn't get either. It really looked go for one but at the last minute they stopped the process. Remember when I was fired last year. I was stupid and put my manager on as reference. The interviewing company asked why I left and she had no choice but to tell them the truth. That put a stop to everything even though other than that she gave a glowing report. The other job they decided to fill internally, an already trained person.
5) On a good note, I think we are definitely going to do the Thailand donor egg thing. I have some travel brochures that Daz and I have been going through, got some information from Journey Girl and we are starting to save some money. Everyone that we have spoken to about it, family and friends are all for it so here we go.
So we are excited about a new goal, have to finish the other process with D*HS, we aren't going to tell them about our plans of course until they are set in stone.
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