Well I did it

I resigned from work today as they wouldn't let me go back to the other level. I have already gotten myself another position with the position in a service capacity. So will be a bit happier.

So what else has happened? Dazza has also left his job and will be starting a new one on Thursday, also in the city so we can travel together as well so I am happy with that.

Anyway, still at work so better have a move.

I'm bored

So here I am again today in my "resting" faze of being ill. But I am bored shitless. I have Foxtel but after a week it is all the same. God I want to go back to work. I haven't heard from my team manager as yet and am trying to not take it as a bad sign. I'm thinking again!

I've read everyones blogs, looked at some others and its only 9.03AM, what am I going to do now. Dazza's in bed with the flu so he's no good to talk to, I'm too scared he'll breath on me anyway. Poor boy wants warmth in bed as he's so sick and all I say is 'roll the other way' so that he doesn't breath on me. I'm such a bitch but I don't need that illness too.

Well better go and find something to occupy my mind before I start to think again.

Thanks

You gals make me laugh with your comments, so its not just me with the mental attack? I got up this morning ignoring the crap feeling, ready to get on with the day, until it hit me again. You know I'm talking about the diarrhoea, I believe that it thought, well if you ain't thinking I'll have to show you instead! I have bit the bullet when calling work this morning and told them I want to go back to service instead of staying in sales. My team manager will talk to the sales manager and request this for me, going from her thoughts it will work out ok.

I told my mum today about the anti-depressants and no sooner did I arrive back home than my brother called to check on me. It seems that he had called her just after I left there today and she told him that I was down, not sure if she told him that I was on the meds but I thought, boy that's quick.

So now I'm waiting a call from my team manager to let me know what happened before I nick down to mum and dads again, its dad's 72nd birthday today. Keep your fingers crossed for me to not only go to service but that I get a good team manager.

I think I'm gunna ...........

I think I'm just gunna stop! You know after being sick yet again this week with the dreaded diarrhoea, (yes I did it again!) I have been home again just thinking. I have been told by Dazza many times that I over think every thing. He tells me, just stop thinking about it and just do it.

Today I went back to work, second guessing myself as to whether I was well enough and decided to go, I don't like the thought of people thinking that I'm slacking so I go and in the end, I just end up coming home again. I think to much. I don't call into work because I think that they will not like me. I go to work but think that I can't do this, so feel sorry for myself and get my butt sent home. I sit on the couch and think 'whats wrong with me?' I don't want another job, I do like my job, maybe the thought of having to get the sales is effecting me. I think that I won't get the sales, which makes me come up with excuses, maybe I am just not a 'sales' person. I don't think that they will let me go back to my old position, they have stated this before. But should I try anyway?

Today on the Tyra Show there was a 'diet' war, Dazza told me to turn it over as I am not on a diet anymore, he tells me I think to much about it! I'm sitting here thinking whether I should have soup for tea or wait for Dazza as he would want pizza and I can have a pasta................. to much thinking being had here.

I am going to come up with a new train of thought. I am no longer going to think about whether I am feeling well. I think I will just be. I will tell myself I am always well that way even if I am lying to myself, I will not second guess going to work. I know that second guessing myself is sometimes good especially if I have had diarrhoea all morning but for other times, I'm lying!

WTF?

Today my mum tells me that she has seen my niece again recently, where she decided to inform my mum that when she goes into labour she wants me there! I know we have been close and its bad to say, but she was always my favorite growing up and she did live with us for many years before running away for 3 years. But come on.

Mum tells her that she thinks its a bad idea and she's just, 'do you think' and looks at her boyfriend who says mmmmmmmmmm 'yeah, think about it', and I thought he was an idiot??

I guess I have to remember that she probably doesn't realise that I am upset, not actually at her but with the situation. I never do tell people that I am upset as I MUST always be the strong one, the one everyone else can come to for there problems. I'm the solver of others problems, just not my own and don't know what to do with my problems that I have no control over.

Maybe I should change the name of my blog to 'the biggest whinger?'

MIA

Hi all, sorry I've been MIA for the past week, really don't have a lot to say at the moment. Since falling off the wagon starting with my niece I have stayed off the wagon. I have been back to the doctors and am back on the depression meds. So hopefully my momentum will build again and I will be again like the little engine that could.

I have been giving my life some thought also and am going to relax a little with my diet. I am constantly thinking about food, not what I want to eat next but the good and the bad. I think I once mentioned that I was going a bit crazy about food, considering all foods bad, even if just a plan chicken breast! I think that this could be the making of a eating disorder so thinking that I may just follow the old 'Weight Watchers' points system again, I have the books up to week 8 I think so will maybe do that. But again saying that, when I spoke to my mum about it, she asks why? 'your always on a diet' she tells me. 'Your just wide', thanks mum. I know that I should be happy with me but I can't be. Originally I thought I would just throw it all out and not do anything, just relax but without something to obsess about I find that my days are so long at work. When I'm obsessing my days same shorter as I fill my day at work with calls and in between I obsess. It all seemed good. What can I obsess about instead?

Kristy - I too have all of the 'Too good to be true' books, I found them good and even Dazza ate from them. I also loved your pictures, you are doing great, keep it up and you will be under 65 in no time.

Had a taste today

Today was some first, I actually groomed some dogs, not paid clients but real hands on grooming. My sister in-law Deb introducted me to some groomers that she has become friends with and they walked me through today. So after Jeff did Abbey's lamb clip I did Holly's clip and also Becky got herself a new do. I can tell you after starting Abby I thought, hmmmmmm maybe this isn't for me. But after warming up a bit I thought, who is perfect with their first clip or anything new that they start. It all takes practice. If only my Becky was a good girl when getting clipped but she knows she can play up for her mummy and I'll give up. But not today with Jeff beside me.

So I will continue on my journey to be a dog groomer and be able to eventually work from home and be successful.

What a couple of weeks........

So some of you may be wondering why I put the prayer on my blog? Well today was another tough one for me. I had been feeling down as you all know and felt like my depression was slipping back in. I was starting to cry for no reason and for every reason. I went to work to only just come back home and feel sorry for myself. Thought that I had better take my cat Meow to the vet but knew well and good what was coming. He has been ill of late and I had been putting off going or hoping that Dazza would take him instead so I wouldn't have to face it. So after a quick feel of the belly and trying to take bloods from him, we came home to only have to shove tablets down his throat until the results of the bloods returned. Well they did this morning and unfortunately all was not well. I did have to take him back today to be kind to him and to stop putting off the inevitable.

Meow was my first ever cat and we got him before we even got married. He was approx 17 years of age and very anti-social, just like his mum. We sat together allot today on the couch, something he rarely did, he had stopped eating and was losing weight rapidly. The last straw was in the last few days he has started to pee on himself, I couldn't work out how but maybe he was falling in it after doing it. In the end it appeared that it was just escaping his body and running down is back legs. It was a very horrible thing to see him go through. At least with the dogs it was really quick but to know for a day what I had to do, it was doing in my head. I know now that his is with Shelby and Chuck, buried in my yard but running around together up in heaven.

It still amazes me why we get pets to only have out hearts broken time and time again. They just don't live long enough and wish they would live forever with us or until our time was up.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Where did it go?

I've been looking really hard for it, under the bed, behind the couch, in the cupboard but its nowhere to be found. Have you seen it?

I'm looking for my mojo......................... since my flip out with my niece being pregnant, and I mean literally since then which is over a week ago now, I have lost my momentum for my diet and exercise.

I know that I can not worry about other people and what happens with them or not with me and I should just keep peddling but it has done my head in. I understand that I am an emotional eater and even though I can see that, I can't get past, around or over it.

I have been getting comments from work about how I am looking slimmer which start to light the fire but still no ongoing flames. I think I have been through this before and some kind ladies told me to 'just get on with it' but you know what, why?

I know that I want to be slim and not see my pear shape body looking back at me in the mirror, I know that I want to be that girl I can still see in photo's from only 20 years ago who was happy to be photographed in bikini's. I don't even like to be photographed from the neck up at the moment unless I have creative editing. So why do we find it so darn hard to just do it?

I generally love to read every ones blogs for inspiration and even that is letting me down at the moment as there is only maybe 1 or 2 of you 'exercise/daily life' posting lately, oh My god, here I go now blaming you guys for my lazy arse, I should quit while I'm ahead.

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Update: have just completed lower body weights - back on the horse :-P

What a waste....................

I also wanted to thank everyone for their kind words before I went on with this post. It really means allot.

What a waste of a good night. I did go to the Ball after all last night but did my usual thing of calling Dazza to come and get me by about 10.30pm. I did have a good time but a better time I could have had at home with Daz! There were performers all over the place starting with a poor woman dressed as a cat crawling around the floor rubbing up against you. I'm sorry but I get enough of that at home with my 3 cats. There was a flame thrower and a juggler except he kept on dropping his balls. Food was finger food, not bad but nothing to write home about. Drinking, well there was that but it turned out to be beer, wine, champers and soft drink. Its funny the only soft drink I did see was towards the end of the night and you should have seen how small the bottles were. Wouldn't have been wanting to alternate with those as they were smaller that a cup yet the alcohol was huge. I ended up having to find Dazza in the city as he is no good with directions even when spelt out for him. How hard is it to find The Regent Theatre in Collins Street anyway????

But I'm up now with no sore head but the makings of a sore throat that I have to clear allot but other than that no damage done. Although I have lost 4 hours of my life that I will never get back ;P

Sorry about this but more doom and gloom

Today I found out that a young guy that Dazza had taken under his wing many moons ago committed suicide last week and his funeral is on Friday.

It makes me cry as he was such a nice kid. Originally we knew the family as his father used to go to Dazza's work and just hang around. He was an alcoholic but a real nice guy. Dazza would take is son Steve motocross riding and although his father was an alcoholic, Steve never wanted for anything. His parents spoilt him rotten. Then unfortunately his parents relationships started to take a turn for the worst and they separated.

Still we would have Steve come over and Dazza would really support him. Steve's father committed suicide by jumping in front of a train about 10 years ago. Steve was devastated as you could imagine as he loved his dad dearly. Over the years Steve had seemed to be pulling through but we then got word that he had gotten into drugs and was in hospital in the phsc ward. Dazza went to see him a few times to see if he could help. By this time I think his family thought Dazza was the only one that may have been able to help him. Unfortunately this was not the case, no one but Steve could help himself. He lost most of his friends and his girlfriend couldn't sit around and watch him kill himself slowly with the drugs so she too left.

Steve was about 23 years of age when he tragically took his own life last Wednesday. I don't know if he was alone, drugged, drunk, upset, lonely or even meaning to kill himself but that is just what he did. He had so much to live for, he was such a good looking smart kid that could do anything if he put his mind to it. But that is not to be. I am sad that another young person has ended their life as they didn't know that they had the love and support of others and if they did know, they didn't know how to use it.

On telling my nephew of this news tonight, he started to cry, he also knew Steve as a young guy, he too has trouble with his own situation and hope like hell that I will not have to deal with the same situation with him. He has started to following the the drug direction just like his own father. God help me get the strength to bring him back before it is too late for him too.