Sick of ............

making excuses for this weight. I mentioned the other day that I was doing some reading and it was making me think about the excuses I have used in my life abut my weight. My number 1 excuse is about my infertility, felling sorry for myself as well as knowing that if I lost the weight and I still didn't fall pregnant what else would I be able to blame for my infertility?

But I do not want to be defined as the 'Infertile Woman'. I am more than that, it's just that I have labeled myself that for so long, it is the thing that consumes my thoughts every day, every waking moment, its ingrained into every cell in my body. But how do I stop to save myself?

It's also funny that I know what is right and what is wrong yet I still manage to do the wrong thing by my self each and everyday. I have started to write down my thoughts when I am on the train on my way to work. Yesterday I wrote "I can not control my infertility but I can control my eating and what goes into my mouth and the amount of exercise I do". Then on the way home from work when I had already have a tomato cup of sup and a multi grain sandwich of cheese and salami, I stopped and got curry with rice, then a packet of chips, a picnic and a bottle of coke!! I know that my first food choice wasn't that great but when you only have ten minutes from the second you log your phone off to the moment you have to log back in to take another call, it has to be something that simple. So why do I eat when I am clearly not hungry? I even went to Kmart about 2 hours after the curry, chips and chocolate and had a chicken kebab on the way home with Daz for dinner. I had already had enough food why eat more? Because I like the taste!

I did see a bike at Kmart that I thought could be OK even with my bung wrist as the seat was much lower than the handle bars so I think it would put less pressure on my wrist when I would be riding it. I really couldn't afford it but it was good to see that there are options out there for me.

The count down for the wedding is coming up, brought Daz his new suit yesterday, I swear if I didn't know any better I would think I was married to an Orangutans because his arms are so long. His suit jacket was a size 46 and his pants size 36. Even the guy in the shop said he had unusually long arms. Poor Daz, but he will look really dapper in is new outfit.

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY

Hope you all have a great 3 day weekend and get to sleep in everyday

I am soo angry

Today I have had news that a good friend of mine from work was beaten up on Monday night. That's not all but the story is long.

1)She moved over to our State after leaving her abusive husband
2)The guys she moved here for 'A' turns out to be really insecure and leaves
3)She starts talking to some guy on chat room 'B' and goes out to dinner a few times with one guy
4)She does sleep with 'B' but decides that she likes 'A' 2 and gets back with him
5)'B' can't leave it alone and starts to stalk her, she reports him to the police when he turns up on her door step late at night - he is warned my the police to leave her alone
6)'B' turns up again and is chased and arrested by the police and she receives a restraining order on him
7)'A' is then found to be communicating with his ex so she tells him to think about what he wants and then call her
8)'B' then turns up on Monday night at 4.30am and beats her up and rapes her!
9)'A' comes back to stay the night after this happens and when he leaves she doesn't know what to do
10)'B' has been caught and arrested but is released on bail
11)'A' receives a strange text message so goes back to the unit to find my friend has tried to commit suicide
12)She is now in hospital but about to be released to go home where she lives alone and all of her family is in another State. Her sister is trying to get here asap to be with her but she is scared that 'B' will come back. 'A' will stay tonight but after that she is unsure as they are no longer together. I want her to move but she tells me she can't afford it but even if she stays at my house I will be happy at least. We live on opposite sides of the city and I don't have a car at the moment. I just want to strangle both 'A' & 'B' ans well as her. She never really healed from her abusive husband and jumped straight into another warped relationship.

I am so scared for her, I just don't know what to do for her. I wish that her family could be here to help instead of this guy who really broke her heart twice within 5 months. But then why do I also make other peoples problems my own. I hate to think that she brought it on herself but with the way she has been in the chat rooms and also meeting with these guys I just don't know what to think however I do know that NO means NO.

Ramblings

I really haven't blogged that much lately as I really don't have much to say. I am really feeling like I'm falling into a funk at the moment. I tend to have one problem hit me like a tonne of bricks and all of my walls seem to fall down. take my home telephone issue for example. I couldn't afford to pay the bill this week and that seemed to have caused a rippled effect. I feel like everything is behind but in hindsight it really isn't. Why can't I just see that its the phone service only. Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Why do I make drama for myself when I want to be a 'no' drama queen? I guess the problem being is that my home service also includes my pay TV, my broadband connection and my mobile phones. As you can see with all of these services connected the bill becomes very large every month without let up. So if the home phone is late and I lose service, I lose it on everything. Why did I not think of this before? So now I'm thinking of breaking my contract with the phone company (well my contract for pay TV, mobiles x 2 and Internet) because having them separate seems to be the better thing to do and I have also found that I can get a better mobile deal elsewhere for both mobiles which in the end will probably work out cheaper. I just hate the idea of changing numbers. We always seem to change number! I can never seem to have it together. I am always behind the eight ball with money and I hate it. I refuse to live this way any longer. Truth be known it is probably one of the reason's I am over weight, you know you eat to forget, forget about the mounting debt you have piling up, I spend to forget that I can't have kids, its a vicious cycle. This too is why I think I fail at dieting, what if I loose weight and still can't fall pregnant? I think I keep that as my last resort to use as an excuse, the fear of still failing to have a baby. If I lose the weight and it doesn't happen I will have to face that I really won't be able to carry a child. That's not an option for me.I have also been thinking about my life in general. I hate working but then I know I have to work to be able to live. Its terrible but I really want to be the person that earns money so that she can 'enjoy' her life not just work to pay the bills and have nothing left to 'enjoy' life.

On the train lately when not wanting to go to work I have been reading a dieting book/life change book by Bob Greene, the PT that helped Oprah. He writes that you need to face what is holding you back. About all the excuses we give ourselves, about doing things that we don't want to do but have to get through. That we need to stop making excuses for our actions and take action. I have realised through reading this book that I do have to make some changes in me. I am the excuse queen.

*If I have to work (which I do) my job isn't the worst place to be

*If I want to get anywhere with money I have to stop spending it and make a plan

*I can do this, I just need to be real to me and others around me

*Stop trying to be liked, if they don't like me stiff, its not the end of the world

*Build me to be strong, inside and out

*Stop being the sounding board for everyone else and be the sounding board for ME

*Stop taking on others problems when I have enough of my own, they aren't going away no matter how much I shut them out

Sorry about my ramblings but I really didn't think I had much to say but I guess it was really just a verbal attack on myself, I needed to say it or write it down somewhere to purge.

Emotional eating

You know not that long ago Kristy was writing about emotional eating and I never really thought that I was one of them but a few things have happened this week to show me that I am indeed an emotional eater.

I had gone to the hand surgeon who told me my injury was in my head so I raided the snack machine at the train station on the way home, I went to a baby shower and stuffed everything into my mouth that I knew I shouldn't and today we lost a really old and dear friend to a rare form of cancer and the thing I wanted to do most besides from cry from shock that she's gone was stuff my face with chocolate and popcorn.

It's crazy, it's not like I knew that she wouldn't go sooner or later, she had been living on borrowed time for some years now. After finding out and beating a brain tumor some years back she started preforming as therapy for herself and others to bring awareness to the illness that she suffered. Mary Doggett-Williams was a very warm and funny lady that took time to listen to you, it didn't matter that in the grand scheme of things that your problems were small compared to the issues she was facing, like death, nothing was too much for her to listen to. Don't get me wrong, she would call 'a spade a spade', that was the beauty of Auntie Mary, plain honest truth with compassion. The world is going to miss her greatly and so will I. Finally resting in peace.

And the good news is

Well it's 4.30am and I'm awake. I've been awake since 3.30am because I awoke via a bad dream and not the ache in my hand! Miracles do happen. I had to test my hand twice to believe it when I awoke. *stretches out hand*

No soreness in the hand but a bit achy in the forarm which is to be expected since he massaged it to an inch of the bone I'm sure cause it hurt like hell. But if that's from only what 12 hours ago, imagine what it will feel like after next weeks session? Fantastic. I will then be able to get my typing and data entry speed back up, move on for this customer based role onto something that involves no customers and no call centres hopefully.

Thanks again Kerryn for recommending that I see someone like an osteopath.

Osteopath .................

So after Kerryn suggested that I try an Osteopath I gave it a go. I must at admit that when I walked in the door I thought, mmmmmmmm what an interesting odour? and not in a good way but it grew on me. I sat there waiting to see someone and low and behold this giant emerged from the treating room. I was a little worried when he called me in :\

After telling him about my symptoms and making sure what I was telling him made sense to at least him, which it did, he started.

Now no one told me about the pain I was going to feel ............... all over my body! It was more work than a work out with the "press your legs as hard as you can this way" and "that way" and the "does this hurt? How much?" My God, there was a kid screaming outside and he said, "someones getting murdered out there", my reply "someones getting murdered in here!"

So eventually the pain session, oops I meant session was finished, he wants to see me again next week and doesn't promise to fix me but he will give it a good go. I left there all red and blotchy from the pressing and stretching and didn't realise that my muscles even hurt until he pointed it out with those pointy fingers of his.

Thanks Kerryn again for all your help and support even when not about my sad attempt to diet and exercise :)

Emotions

I am having a crappola day today. I had to see the hand surgeon for the first time today and what did he find? NOTHING! That's what. I can't believe it. I can tell you that my wrist does get sore, my hand also gets sore but after is pushing and prodding he comes up with nothing! He then has the gale to advise me not to have people label me with RSI as it has been shown to be "all in the mind"................... so what is he saying? Am I lying? Do I not feel pain where sometimes I can't even turn on a tap? What the hell happens now? I just resign to the fact that it's in my mind and forget about the physical pain? Just get on with life, go back to lifting weights, walking the dogs with my right hand, cracking nuts, needlework, even though I know that all of these things cause me pain?

I feel really stupid. What will work say about this, will they think that I have been faking it all this time? I still feel pain, just obviously not enough for the surgeon. I feel like I have got my back up now. I feel like I should just ignore the pain and go back to doing everything I was doing before this injury and hope that it doesn't flare up even though I know that it will.

I felt so bad that when I got back to the train station to come home, I got junk out of the machines on the platform and I ATE IT!

This should be easy

Oh how sorry he is going to be :) Dazza is still drinking is Coke by the bucket load and smoking like there is no tomorrow, should be able to blow him out of the water real quick. The first signs of the cracks started last night. We went for a walk again and I asking him about weigh in day and how he expected to beat me if he is still doing his normal stuff, (I don't want him to be doing this just to pacify me, I want him to loose some weight and feel great) and he said don't worry I still weigh less than you! I told him I weighed in already because my weigh in with CK is on Saturdays and that I had already lost. Well he thinks that is so unfair that I started before him. Technically I didn't because I weighed in with him on the Tuesday the 1/1/08 and that is the weight we are challenging each other on. 3 days is not going to matter to him much since he hasn't changed anything except for a bit of exercise which he could walk allot faster at and the food that I dish up to him at night. During the day he doesn't eat which is no good either.

I find it funny that he is thinking of locking up the scales so that I can't weigh myself. Instead I changed my weigh in day on CK to Tuesdays also but he wants to wait now to next Saturday. He will forget all about it by the time he wakes up and cracks another Coke. He won't drink Coke Zero, but would prefer to go onto V, I told him it would have to be the sugar free version, I know that's not going to last.

But in the end I will be the healthy skinny one and he, he will remain cuddly.

One week down

So I got through my first week, not necessarily unscathed. I did fall off the wagon but tried to make sure I still managed to fit into my calorie intake. So maybe you wouldn't class it as falling off then? As my weigh in box shows I managed to lose 1.7kilos this week! Don't get me wrong I'm not silly enough to think that it was fat, I know it was water weight from all the water I have been trying to drink. Just goes to show that it does indeed work this drinking thing.

So what will next week bring??? More challenges?? I'm not sure but I think I am beginning to feel that I can say no to some things and still have my treats to fit in with the calories. My treats have consisted of Mini Microwave Popcorn - 25g bags at 100calories or a Paul's Extra Cream Ice Cream squares in 2 wafers with some of the boysenberries that I crushed up for the drink I was trying to make, also about 100calories.

We have been changing up our walking routine, with me getting out the map to make sure we are walking after enough. We didn't walk last night due to the heat but the night before walked over 6 kms, it was nice. We talked about our biggest loser challenge and I suggested that we bith think of a prize for each other up to the value of $250 dollars, Dazza wants it to be USD! But then thought mabe we could get some others to join in and we all put in either $50 -$100 each and whoever wins, gets the lot. Although we know a few people that are over weight, not many of them really give a rats about their weight so we really won't get anyone. So it will be just us I think.

I have really surprised myself today, I ate relatively good. Breakfast, even though I didn't feel like anything was watermelon! I only had 1 coffee this morning also, small wonders :) Then for my meal break/lunch 10 minutes, I had a cheese sandwich and a cup of soup. When I left work I walked a different way to the station and although I missed on seeing McDonald, Hungry Jacks, KFC and a couple of other fast food places, the other way gave me more like cafes and a place that I have never heard of called The House of Fries or something like that anyway. I was strong and continued to walk. I got to the station and ate my banana that I brought from 7-11 for $1.20, which is a rip off considering that they are only $.78cents a kilo at the moment. Tell me is anyone else having trouble peeling the banana's at the moment? They seem to be made of steel at the moment, today I have to bite the top off to start to peel the darn thing the skin is so thick. It had a big bruise on the outside but because the skin was so thick, it was fine on the inside??

We have continued to walk each night with the dogs approx 5 kms a night. Its doing us both some good, it heaps with the relationship also, you have to communicate or you will be bored silly. Tomorrow's food will me my left over Caesar Salad and the 1 sausage that was left (I cut it up) but I won't be eating it alone as I have been sharing my food with a chick at work who never seems to bring food, she doesn't think she needs to eat since she smokes in her breaks. She has dropped 26 kilos in doing this but we all know eventually she will get really sick so whilst she is happy to share my lunch I'll take a little extra to make sure it does us both. I'd rather spend a little more and know that I am helping someone even if they don't realise it. I have already had a big thank you from her new partner for making her eat something.

2008 is here ......

First post for the new year, you think it would be witty and have lots of insight ......... err nope!

We finished off last year by taking the dogs for a walk at 11pm, great exercise, I even walked one with my left hand instead, it was about 3.8 kms in 50 minutes, sure there was some calories burnt which is good because I went well and truly over my calories yesterday : I thought of all days how can you be restricted on New Years Eve, no one would begrudge me a spurge on New Years Eve right? That is except me, I can't stop thinking about it. And even with the walk in the morning of 1.6 kms and last nights walk of 3.8km, its not going to make up for the CRAP I ate yesterday, and that was before I even got on the train to come home from work at 2pm!

So today I started my morning off with 2 scrambled eggs and a slice of multi grain toast with a scraping of canola marg. I am on my second cup of coffee but for me that's not bad at all, considering it will probably be my last for the day too. I have started to cut down on the coffee intake as this is only so much liquid one human can drink, I need to make time and room for the water. So I have found that after leaving for work I don't have another coffee, when at home it appears that I am a 2-3 cup in the morning then that's it. I was a 10-15 cup a day gal so I'm proud of me :)

I was re-reading the post that I put up about the Biggest Loser Comp in my home and the prizes, scratch that one, the 'joke' prize didn't make sense to me when I went back over it. So will have to put my head down and think of something that we both want so bad that we will work hard for it.

I have also done some experimenting in my home in the last couple of days trying to make/imitate the H2Go Boysenberry flavoured water .................... not with much success. Anyone got any ideas? I have brought boysenberries and just put some in the bottle with no flavour effect, then thought of boiling them so that it makes like a syrup (didn't add any sugar though) and even though it smells strong, as soon as you put it in the water .................. nothing! So open to ideas please.