I really haven't blogged that much lately as I really don't have much to say. I am really feeling like I'm falling into a funk at the moment. I tend to have one problem hit me like a tonne of bricks and all of my walls seem to fall down. take my home telephone issue for example. I couldn't afford to pay the bill this week and that seemed to have caused a rippled effect. I feel like everything is behind but in hindsight it really isn't. Why can't I just see that its the phone service only. Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Why do I make drama for myself when I want to be a 'no' drama queen? I guess the problem being is that my home service also includes my pay TV, my broadband connection and my mobile phones. As you can see with all of these services connected the bill becomes very large every month without let up. So if the home phone is late and I lose service, I lose it on everything. Why did I not think of this before? So now I'm thinking of breaking my contract with the phone company (well my contract for pay TV, mobiles x 2 and Internet) because having them separate seems to be the better thing to do and I have also found that I can get a better mobile deal elsewhere for both mobiles which in the end will probably work out cheaper. I just hate the idea of changing numbers. We always seem to change number! I can never seem to have it together. I am always behind the eight ball with money and I hate it. I refuse to live this way any longer. Truth be known it is probably one of the reason's I am over weight, you know you eat to forget, forget about the mounting debt you have piling up, I spend to forget that I can't have kids, its a vicious cycle. This too is why I think I fail at dieting, what if I loose weight and still can't fall pregnant? I think I keep that as my last resort to use as an excuse, the fear of still failing to have a baby. If I lose the weight and it doesn't happen I will have to face that I really won't be able to carry a child. That's not an option for me.I have also been thinking about my life in general. I hate working but then I know I have to work to be able to live. Its terrible but I really want to be the person that earns money so that she can 'enjoy' her life not just work to pay the bills and have nothing left to 'enjoy' life.
On the train lately when not wanting to go to work I have been reading a dieting book/life change book by Bob Greene, the PT that helped Oprah. He writes that you need to face what is holding you back. About all the excuses we give ourselves, about doing things that we don't want to do but have to get through. That we need to stop making excuses for our actions and take action. I have realised through reading this book that I do have to make some changes in me. I am the excuse queen.
*If I have to work (which I do) my job isn't the worst place to be
*If I want to get anywhere with money I have to stop spending it and make a plan
*I can do this, I just need to be real to me and others around me
*Stop trying to be liked, if they don't like me stiff, its not the end of the world
*Build me to be strong, inside and out
*Stop being the sounding board for everyone else and be the sounding board for ME
*Stop taking on others problems when I have enough of my own, they aren't going away no matter how much I shut them outSorry about my ramblings but I really didn't think I had much to say but I guess it was really just a verbal attack on myself, I needed to say it or write it down somewhere to purge.