HERE'S TO 2008, BRING IT ON

Finally 2007 is almost over, it has had its ups and downs but most of all its been smooth sailing.

What do I want to achieve in 2008 ..........

1) To make more friends that I can be sociable with so that I'm not at home at 10pm on New Years Eve typing again on my blog!

2) Better health, something to stick with and not seem to be hard work. How will it ever stick if it seems to be hard work to continue?

3) Finally fall pregnant?? That's a hard one that I really don't have a choice about, all I can do is be the healthiest I can be so that if it does happen I'm ready.

4) More confident, believe in myself as others believe in me.

5) House renovations continue ..................

So I hope that you all have a safe New Year celebration and that all of your loved ones remain in one piece by the end of the night.

Want a laugh???????????

Well today I did a 4.9 km walk, pretty good for my first time back out there, had to change course a little as I knew if I walked past my house on my second lap I would have walked inside so went the long way round to do the third lap :)

Dazza told me something funny this afternoon, he said lets play Biggest Loser at our house, we will do weekly weigh In's and not sure yet that they winner gets. I joked about and said that the prize could be sex and that I could rig it. Dazza thought about it a minute and said, 'what you want sex', of course I meant rig it to lose so that I don't have to have sex! I'm a terrible wife but really I'm not into heaps of sex, I am that women that men talk about, you know the one that dries up once married. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have a great body image of myself, I'm going to try and change that though and then watch out Dazza ;)

What next

So today I weighed myself to find that I am back to the biggest I have ever been 89.4 kilos. What next for me, I refuse to hit the 90 kilo mark so best start moving my butt is what. I actually went to the shop and found some things that fit me, well or as well as they can. I'm not saying I have brought a whole heap of new stuff but a new pair of jeans, t-shirt and 3/4 workout pants is all.

I had a trim of the hair as I was beating myself up for the way I was looking and that is one thing that I can actually fix, why continue to beat myself up for it? So I now have a fringe again so its not falling into my eyes anymore.

I have brought a heap of chicken, started marinading it, not a great deal, just a small amount. I love having Nando's salad with chicken tenderloins, love the marinade on the chicken and thought why pay $10 for a salad bowl when I can make it myself? Now if only I can get away with still putting butter on my veg and I'll be happy.

I have grabbed out my 'Walk Away The Pounds' DVDs and even brought a new one off eBay 'You Can Do Yoga', so with all of my exercise DVDs surely there is something I can do even if not using my upper body.

Dam Dam Dam!

Dam this god dam wrist! I am so over this pain. When/how will it go away?????

I had to call work today to tell them I wouldn't be in, I hate doing that especially for this frigging wrist! Its so hard to have an injury no one else can see or feel except me and I want it to be over.

Had just talked Dazza into running with me, or my poor excuse for running but now I don't know if it is a good idea as I'm scared that it will only make my wrist worse. I'm scared that it will jarr my wrist causing not only more pain but longer to heal but I have to shift this weight.

I went to the Plaza yesterday and went into Big City Chic, its bad, I know that I have to come to the realisation that I am a big girl but even those clothes looked bad on me. I can't buy anything to fit me. Normal sizes aren't right and big girl clothes look bad as well, I can't win. Its funny all those bigger girls than even me look great in those clothes, why not me?

Another Christmas over

So that marked the 1st Christmas at our house. Phew, thank goodness that's over.

I must admit it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. He ended up with 4 extra people, my 2 nephews and their girlfriends. My sister who I don't talk to much (Christmas's only) decided as it wasn't at mum's that she wouldn't come, no biggie for me, but on the last minute my niece who was always coming called prepared custard, too runny for her liking. Mum always makes 5 trifles for the family so she was to see if her brothers could come. As I told her and her brothers, there was never to be anything other than change of venue, there was no invitations sent, it is how it always is except at my house instead. I have now made sure that the boys understand that they are always welcome even if their parents decide not to come. Mum felt better also about Christmas, normally she is working in the kitchen all day, actually for about 2 days, this time all she did was cook the pork and bring me some gravy boats. Oh and she did cook her own custard as she doesn't like 'store brought' ready relaxed enough to make them and also Pavlova. So much food left over, the dogs will eat for days on this stuff.

My dad didn't end up coming as he had a fight with one of my nephews before coming so decided to stay home. I had a few words with him and told him what I thought but he is an adult and can decide what he wants to do, I wasn't going to beg.

Its funny Kerryn posted that they brought 'baby' a guitar, we also brought 2 guitars for the nieces, we then got back one of our electrics and amp from that house. Our count Kerryn is about 10 electric, 3 acoustic and 3 amps. That makes for a noisy house hold when Dazza's friends come over.

After having Christmas here, I have a growing shopping list for the house for next year.

• New Kitchen - 90cm oven (gas or fan forced electric) & dishwasher
• Close in out door area - change sliding door into bistro folding doors
• New dining setting
• More outdoor settings
• Christmas dinner settings
• Gravy boats!

I'm sure I will be able to add to the list shortly.

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Now over to the 'healthy eating plan' - I think I will place a new ticker for the 6 weeks to the wedding as well as one for a 12 week plan. Still don't know about actually entering any contests but I guess it doesn't cost anything. They have just started Weight Watchers at Work but as I have just moved to our new building (along with 4 other teams) they haven't added our site to the other 3 that are doing the plan. Although I'm not that upset about that as I really don't like Weight Watches, I end up changing more than 1 dinner in the seven day plan anyways.
So I think back to basics, chicken and veg for dinner, sometimes marinated sometimes not. Sweet potato instead of standard white potato's, snacks throughout the day, cottage cheese, tomato, BREAKFAST & EXERCISE. As I'm still on the return to work plan and only doing 5 hours a day I only get a 10 minute break time in the 5 hours so that can be a bit of a challenge in it's self but where there is a will there is a way. I think from the $50 bucks from MIL I will buy my 10 class pass for the local gym. Here goes.......................

Oh my................

My niece today gave me something to work towards. We received her invite to her wedding, its to be a garden wedding on Feb 9th. I told my brother that they could have given me more notice since I have about 25 kilos to lose. What is a girl to do, I guess there is always Tony Ferguson but a girl like to eat food not drink food.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas

What have I done? I am having Christmas at my house for the first time ever (horror) Considering I haven't celebrated Christmas for about the past 4 years this is going to be a huge feat. Why would I not just take baby steps, no not me, I hadn't had the Christmas tree out of the roof since we moved her 3 years ago. Haven't put up any decorations for 4 years. The names on my Christmas balls still have names on them that have been and gone for ages. I am even working on Christmas Eve, how am I to manage setting up and cooking for how many??? 10 adults and 4 kids?? Christmas dinner no less, pork, chickens, turkey, veggies, baked potatoes, baked pumpkin, corn on the cob, pudding, desert ................ my mind can not comprehend what I have put myself into. Its all my big brothers fault. He doesn't remember but last year he planted the seed in my head when I was at the usual Christmas Eve drinks at his house, whilst I was 2 sheets to the wind. He then went to visit with my mother on Christmas day (he has his own at his home with his family and in-laws) and then planted the seed in her head. When I mentioned this to him not so long ago he can't remember ever saying that I should hold Christmas at my house instead. Too convenient I think :/

Did I mention that I have been renovating as well, we have removed the wall between the kitchen and the lounge making it 'open living', we haven't painted the new arch way yet so will have to get some deco's over it so it can't be seen. I have plaster stuck all over the floor, great that I can't get up so will have to place the rug over it. Think I might also have to start drinking just to cope.

I have started to thaw out the ham, chickens, pork, turkey and have cut up the broccoli, cauliflour, corn, measured the mixed veg, will have to grate some cheese for the broccoli and cauliflour bake, on Tuesday I will have to peel and cut the pumpkin & potatoes and it seems most of my work is done, oh did I mention the my oven is crap so that will take some time to to cook everything!

Warped self image

You know I have come to think about how I see myself of late. I was on the bus the other day and thought, boy at least I'm not that big, I've got nothing to worry about compared to her. But then the realisation that my clothes don't fit anymore makes me wonder. I originally thought, well your top half is small, its just your lower half, tummy, hips, thighs and butt. Then when buying tops that actually fit, I have to buy like an 18 or XXL, I can't make the excuse that they are Asian sizes so I have to buy bigger sizes than I am because its the same when I go into Target and the like. So now I do realise that I am a big girl, no matter how much I don't see it myself until I am naked or when buying clothes, I must come to terms with it or change it.

Dazza saw that I had printed the 12 week body blitz again and stated the obvious 'are you gunna do this again, do we have to take the pictures again?' I know he doesn't like to be blinded or reminded that he is married to this 'thing', I know that he loves me but come on, I don't even want to look at it! I haven't decided that I would do the challenge, I was if at all, going to do it on the side without him knowing, he must get sick of me and this crap that is my weight.

Darn those fairies

So after complaining about how lazy I am, the fairies came in last night to fix me up............... they broke the TV :(

I'm sitting here at the computer sad as I am in my size 16 Jacqui E jeans which I love and they are trying to suffocate me! it won't be long I hope before they are comfortable again. About this time last year my mum brought me the CIRSO diet book #2 and a Resistance Tube which I have never used :( so yesterday I went down to the library and photocopied the exercise sheet that came with it to make a nice appealing exercise chart to stick on the inside of my wardrobe door. Once I get it up I'll give you a nice photo.

So my journey is begining again, I even brought me some sweet potato.

What to do?

Last night I got got out some old mag's to look at and get some inspiration. I also pulled out my CSIRO book to have a bit of a read. I realised again that the dinner menu has stuff on it that I just don't eat, so what do you do? I'm not really good at following menu plans, I find them very restrictive, I am one of those people who needs to follow something so strictly that of course I'm going to fail. As soon as I have to waiver off the plan, I do a huge waiver, not a side step. That just sounded like a huge contradiction didn't it? What I mean is that if I am told to do something, I put my blinkers on and that's the only line I follow, once I come across a road block, say salmon with cous cous, that's it, that's me, I don't like any of that. So I might just step over that block but I seem to come to a road block the next day for dinner again as there is always something that I don't like. Why is it so hard? I want to loose the lower body weight but I am really stuck in the spot I'm already in, I can't see a way out. I am so lazy that the thought of going for a walk just makes me turn and find something else to do, the problem is that that something generally begins and ends on the couch. Even when there is nothing to watch I will just flick, whats wrong with me!

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Another thought also is: have you got any ideas for healthy snacks? I am a salt addict, I am more a savoury person than a sweet. My normal idea of snacks are plain chips, butter popcorn, licorise, corn chips with salsa, you get my drift, so anything you can think of in this type of area would be perfect.

A NEW RESOLVE

I know I've said it before but this time, I know is no different, but I'm sitting here feeling very uncomfortable, having thoughts of gastric bypass, knowing that its not the right way but maybe the right way for now. I know, I know slap me now.

I know also that I said I would walk to and from the train station but today I actually got a chance to drive my own car to the station. Its novel really, I haven't driven my car since starting this new job back in September as Dazza's been driving it to work instead to save on fuel (he has a V8 ute). So back to my point, no walking today. I will have to do some walking today after work, I do have to find a bank in the city today to do a deposit so that's a little bit, I know I'm dreaming to think that its anything that could help. Might go down to the local gym today after work and sign up for a 10 class pass.

Not much to say

So since my last post not much has been happening here, I did say I was going to start to do some exercise and as with most things I say, its gone by the wayside. But it must start.

I was went to my niece's grade 6 graduation on Friday night, what to wear, what to wear. Well thought just throw on some jeans and a nice top. Out came the size 16 Jacqui E jeans I brought off EBay, on they go, mmmmmmmmmmm how do I get the zip up? After some manipulation they went up but I thought how long for? So with that said, I think I will be walking to the train station daily, to and from, that way I get some extra exercise in. I haven't been walking the dogs due to my wrist as they pull a bit so I haven't had any exercise really. I really must get my butt moving, tonight I have washed the car and stress would have burnt some calories I think but other than that, big zero. I should be doing ironing now, sure that will burn some but I hate ironing. I haven't eaten much today except for 4 slices of white bread toast with margarine and peanut butter, not good I know but I will start to control it, after my large packet of Tangy chips, I promise :)

What else has happened ....................... well I almost brought a car again but my father talked some sense into me. Although I must admit, it doesn't take much to sway me from getting into $16000 in debt. I was really struggling with the thought of taking out a loan that goes for 5 years. After all Dazza's car isn't paid off yet and we still have 2 years to pay that. I hate that car loan, why would I do it again? But I almost did, I have to call Hyundai tomorrow to cancel the order. They are going to love me, twice now I have done that, next time when I really want to do it I will have to change dealerships :(

Well best go and start the bloody ironing, its not going to do itself. Once is done I will be really happy that they craps out of the lounge.

And the beat goes on

I haven't been around much of late, I have had to rest my wrist a while, been bored as hell :(

I have been trying to think of some exercise that's not exercise but is exercise, does that make sense??? Probably not but anyway. I was thinking Tai Chi but now that I have investigated it a tiny bit more on the net it may be harmful to my wrist with the actions. If anyone has some experience in this, please let me know if it would be ok with RSI.

Anywho, what else have I been doing, absolutely nothing. I have put on a few kilos being at home, I have tended to eat a few bags of potato chips over these last few weeks which are showing around my mid section. Dazza also weighed himself the other night and I weigh 200grams more than him but he is about 5 inches taller than me. Oops

So although I will not be starting anything big or rapid, I do want to lose some of this weight, I will be starting at 86.8 kilos. I can't believe I have let myself put on these extra kilo's again although I haven't gotten to my heaviest which was 89 kilos but well on the way if I keep this up. So will start off with walks, can't lift weights because of my wrist, so also can't skip rope, ride bike or walk dogs. I really need to lose some of this weight if I am ever to have a baby, so kick me in the arse if you see I've slipped, I will tell you, I can't keep my mouth shut :O

I'm also trying to cut down on the caffine which means no Coke and limiting coffee to only the mornings (try not to shovel in as much as I can before 10am) and eating more veg. Can you eat to much veg. For dinner I would normally make mashed potato (1 medium potato) and a heap of peas, beans, carrots and sometimes corn on the cob, I do put a knob of butter on it and tend to eat this all before I start on my meat of the day. I guess when I was dieting before I started to think of any food as evil so this is why I stopped thinking of food but look where it has gotten me now!

Not soo bad

So the Workforce Solutions came out to my home today, I'm going to call her 'Rehab Chick' from now on, she gave me some idea's about exercises for my wrist however they hurt and as anyone who knows me knows, I don't do anything that hurts! She advised me on some anti-inflammatory cream that I can use from the health food store, just a bit worried that the stuff from the chemist could hurt a growing fetus (if there is one in there). Will possibly meet with her at work on Thursday afternoon to reset up my desk, she is looking to get me a fancy new mouse setup which I have never seen before or even heard of before. And possibly reducing my hours for a while until I am back to speed. The funniest thing is that she wants me to start using the mouse on the left side, ever heard of uncoordinated??? That will be me with a left hand side mouse. Found some pictures of the new mice she was talking about so hopefully work will purchase for me.

Dazza has been talking about moving to Queensland and I have seriously been considering it. Number one is that he has advised that if I agree, I can be a 'stay at home mum' and not have to go to work, this sounds like bliss to me, but I wonder if I still get the same conditions if I don't fall pregnant???? I am a bit concerned about leaving my mum but then thought, well it's only a cheap airfare if brought in advance and I would be happy to send her a ticket for a week a month or a weekend a month if she wants. I would also love for her to come and stay once I do finally have a baby for a decent period of time, not only to help out but she has been waiting just as long as me, for there to be a baby in my arms. So no decision has been made as yet as to whether we will move or not but I will keep you posted.

What's been happening?

Its been a while since I posted and thanks Kerryn for checking in on me. My last post showed that the pud is slowing coming back on, not that I can say I've done much about it. I have now ended up off work with RSI so unable to spend nearly anytime on the computer without it giving me grief later on and even though I love you guys, I hate pain more.

I have also started to think more about having a baby so the exercise thing as gone out the window. I, like many of you guys I'm sure, bite off more than I can chew. My main thought in doing so is that if I am distracted by something else I won't realise that I am doing something else. In short, I go gungho at something or more than 1 something thinking that the other will keep be distracted from the other and both will get done. In reality it ends up that nothing is done.

So instead I have slowed down, concentrating on one thing, wait to see how that pans out before moving onto something else. I have however cleaned out my wardrobe, put about 19 items on eBay to sell, cleaned out my junk drawer in the kitchen along with my utensils drawer, its amazing how you end up with more than one of the same thing??

I have a person coming from Workforce Solutions tomorrow to discuss my RSI so that should be fun NOT! Other than that I am bored, hence the clean up as the doctor has told me complete rest of the wrist but that is really hard, I can't do cross stitch or anything fun, I don't have the car as Dazza's got that during the day, so I can't do anything but watch the same darn Foxtel shows that were on already. Frustrated.....................

I think the picture says it all

Yeap, that's right, my jeans are getting tighter
people! I haven't been climbing those stairs I took the photo of the other day from Flagstaff station, think I will invest in a treadmill for home. I think I have said this before but since my sinuses have been playing up, the doc telling me I'm not getting enough oxygen and that I'm always tired, I think its time. So please people help me keep on track :P

My new babies

Yesterday we went into Up Markets Pet Store to look at more snakes as Dazza wants a newbie so he can breed them but low and behold I ended up putting a deposit on 2 of the littlest Painted Dragons I have ever seem. As adults they only get to 65mm. They are so speedy its just so funny to watch. I have put a deposit on a pair, male & female and whilst there they were doing the monkey business already! The boys are brightly coloured especially after they shed their skin, the girls on the other hand are just a standard brown. This pic on the side is not my dragon and you can see some of his colour showing through but that appears to be the red sand that he may have been rolling in. The are blight blues, yellows, reads and whites. just stunning. I thought maybe I should just have to males as they are so pretty but that won't work as they are territorial. I decided that I want a glass coffee table so that they can be in the lounge room. You really can not get them out as they are so quick you would never catch them, however if you have a bit of depth you can put your hand in and they will not jump so can't get out. I can't wait to pick them up but first have to get their enclosure right oh and make of course.

Oh my aching back

I didn't realise how out of shape I must be................................... well maybe I did. Whenever I bathe and groom the dogs, mop the floor and sometimes when I vacuum, my back goes on me that same night. Now I mean that I can not walk that same night and sometimes into the next day. I'm assuming it is my sciatic nerve doing it to me as I once a very long time ago had it in both legs which stopped me walking, or turn over or getting out of bed. It seems my body just isn't made for work?? Maybe I really should be a lady of leisure? I always new I was a princess.

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So now I have come back to my post after being really pee'd off as I lost it all earlier.

I was originally saying that I think that I should start to do the Yoga and/or Pilate's as it will probably help put with what is obviously weak back muscles. Imagine if I one day fulfil my dream of becoming a mother and have problems bathing kids, if I can't even bathe the dogs for god sake. I was lucky enough to have inherited osteo also in my hips so it could all be very uncomfortable.

I also received a strange email today from someone saying that they saw my profile on SportzBlitz and wanted to get to know me better, the funny thing is, I haven't been active on that board in a while so found it unusual for someone to contact me out of the blue. Not only that, but the last sentence really hit the nail on the head for strangeness. I quote:

"I believe we can move from here.I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.miss Vivian.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life)"

They also wanted to send a picture of them selves to me???? Hello strange. Has anyone had an email from someone like this recently? I know I have all of a sudden become very popular with overseas persons needing a partner to help out with all of their money in a bank somewhere overseas. Can I help, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm NO!

Anyway, off I go now, can't remember what else I was going to chat about today but glad that the day is at least over.

I really have to get moving

As the title states I really need to get moving, don't know how or when but I do. I've been thinking about it this morning and thought that maybe I should try Yoga, in a real yoga place, you know where the temp is turned up to sweat. I wouldn't mind trying Pilate's as well but unsure where I would go for 'real' Pilate's.

Food is still a problem for me, I had breakfast this morning at about 6.50am 2 weat bix and a banana with lite milk but still wanted something by the time I got to work in the city, what I really wanted was some nuts or something but there wasn't any place I could get them this morning, so went to a health food place and got a yohgurt with muesli which was so thick and creamy but also very heavy so didn't need to eat it all. Think now that its morning tea time I will eat my fruit salad or will I have the left over yoghurt from this morning ...................

Something fun

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Not much to tell

So there isn't really that much to tell at the moment, day by day, is all I'm doing.

I think I may have told you this already but my friend Cath is pregnant and is about 12 weeks now. Cath is due to deliver on 28th April 2008 which is also my mums birthday. I think I will put a ticker on my page to count her down. This is the count down that we have been waiting for for about 7 years now I think its been. So we are all really excited for her. She is still cautious of course but my finger and toes are crossed.

I'm going to get back into walking more as I am going to be TTC again in the near future so keep your fingers crossed for me.

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So after saying I was going to walk more, that's exactly what I did. I took both of my puppies for a long stroll. When we got back they were a bit puffed out poor darlings.

I also mowed both front and back lawns today.

I have packed my lunch for tomorrow which consists of a yoghurt, fruit salad (home made) vita weats, cottage cheese, sliced tomato and a ham/cheese sanga on multigrain bread, oh and my fruit box drink. Surely I won't need to pick at unhealthy foods with all of that in my bag.

Today is the day of change

So today I woke up and thought this has got to change, I'm still tired but that's because I went to bed later last night. But I must admit I was lazy and didn't walk to the station today but did walk to the bus stop instead. Instead of the crumpets I have had 2 multi grain vita brits with 1% milk and 2 coffees so far. I did pick me up some fruit salad on the way to work, large for $2.50, what a bargain. Lunch is to be salami and cheese sandwiches x 2, I know still not the best choice but food shopping for the fortnight is this weekend so don't shot me. I did also pack a snack sandwich for just in case of a peanut butter sanga. Put that together with the fruit box drink and water and I should be set for the day. Dinner tonight will be sausages and something, probably chips, I know, I can hear you yelling from here Kek.

Well best start work, talk later..................

Oh My God!

I just don't know what's going on. I am so hungry of late. I can't get enough food. I am bringing my lurch to work everyday but by morning tea, boy, I could eat the leg off a table. This is what I ate yesterday.

Breakfast - 2 crumpets with butter, 2 coffees, Up & Go (on the train)

Morning tea - Snickers and halve a pack of Cheese Balls ( of which I had to force myself to be sick because it was too much for my system to take and I felt really ill)

Lunch - 2 ham and pickle sandwiches, fruit box drink

Dinner - Home made spaghetti with meat sauce



Popcorn made with butter and oil and salt with coke and started on the bag of chicken chips in the cupboard brought for Darren!

So today's has continued in the same direction, although I must admit that my size 14 pants still fit and probably fit me better than when I actually brought them about 2 months ago.

These are the stairs at Flagstaff Station in Melbourne

Thought I would add a picture, its been a while since I've added one. These are the stairs I have the option of of using in the morning which will also help with my exercise. now keep in mind that there are 2 sets of these stairs and this morning I could only cope with climbing one set.

What to do, what to do???

So I missed the bus yesterday which luckily didn't make me late as our new electric train line is running, so had to hoof it down to the train station on foot, still managed to catch the train I wanted anyways :-) So, now I'm thinking that that instead of catching the bus to the station, I might just walk to the train station from now on, it will give me a 30 minute walk in the morning and then a 10 minute walk once in the city and then another 15 minute walk to get to Dazza to come home at night. There I have now increased my incidental exercise. Thanks so much for your comment yesterday Kerryn about using some stairs at work, but the problem is that at my new work they are really big on OH&S, you may say, most places are, but have you ever heard of not being 'allowed' to put your coat/jacket on the back of your chair? This is too much for the new work to tolerate, they have jacket cupboards everywhere as they do not want you to roll on your jacket causing you injury!!! They have even divided the cupboards into smokers and non-smokers, which I am a non-smoker thankfully. So my point is, I do work on the 6th floor and have lunch on the 7th floor, however we are not 'allowed' to use the stairs unless it is an emergency like fire! Not to come to work, leave work or even to go between floors! Well end this post as I have to leave to go to the train station in a minute and I have to finish my crumpets with butter :P

Just checking in

Hi all,

Its almost been a week since I was last here, I don't know where the time flies to?? I really haven't done much this week besides going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, eating dinner, doing dishes, feeding animals and then going to bed, all still by about 7.30pm. My days seem to be a whirlwind, up at 6am, feed animals, shower and get ready for work, leave by 7.35am and off it all goes again. I really must start to take some sort of vitamin as I am always tired. The sex life has gone out the window, much to Dazza's disgust, but I just don't seem to have the energy.

We haven't been taking the dogs for walks, and I definitely haven't taken myself for a walk in a while, except of course to the bus stop and up Bourke Street 2 blocks to my building and back. I'm thinking if I can just get some more exercise, my energy level will kick back up. I have cancelled my membership at Beach house, well I gave my 30 days notice again, s I really am not getting there and as we are down to 1 car because Dazza is doing some stuff to his motor, I can't really get there anyway. I think I would be better off with a 10 trip pass at the local gym anyway to do gym classes which I enjoy more anyway, I can walk there once daylight savings start again. Think I might start taking that horny goats weed thing, you know the stuff I mean from the supermarket, at least that is meant to boost your energy and might keep Dazza happ for a while. I guess it doesn't help that I told him during the week that I dreamt I had an affair with a big Mouri guy? Its been an on going joke all week but maybe its running thin since we haven't made it to the bedroom. Sorry for TMI for those of you that don't care.

On a better note, Kek sent me an email for the Melbourne Fitness Expo coming up in November I think. I can't wait to see what they have there. You know its been a month since I have been working in the city and I still haven't managed to get to DFO, thats good going I think. Although I must admit taking this job on less pay is killing me, but I am much happier. Even the callers seem happier. Anyway, must run, still have all these blogs to catch up on. Check ya

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Thought I would answer some of the comments on this page because I still haven't worked out a good way to answer them.

I can't go to the gym at lunch as we only get 30 mintes, thats log off your phone and the 30 mintues begin ................. NOW

I didn't buy the Horny Goats Weed or Wyld for Women yet, I did however by the Vitamin B so will see how the energy level improves after a month of taking that one.

Here I am

Thought I had better sign in and blog before the world of bloggers forgets about me!

Not that much has been happening in my life of late. I have successfully stopped dieting, a good thing in a way but also bad. Luckily for me as I have been sick, I haven't really put on any weight since giving up dieting. I have consistently stayed just under 82kgs so I am at least happy with that. unfortunately for me its TTOM so am again feeling sorry for myself and they medication for my tum hasn't kicked in yet darn it. I am feeling a flurry of emotions of late. My dear friend who has been doing IVF along with me has finally fallen pregnant again and fingers crossed that its a keeper, but along with this has brought back to my mind to try IVF again. But in doing this, it prolongs the adoption route as you have to have given up IVF for at least 6 months. That takes me to nearly 40 and Dazza 44. Adoption is a long road as it is, do I want to prolong it any further? But the thought of having our own........................ its just so hard. I sometimes think that even though we have done a lot of treatments over our 14 years, we really haven't done allot of IVF, 4-5 treatments I think in total. That's not a lot when you think about it.

I've started to dream again about kids, started to think about permanent care which isn't somewhere I wanted to go. Permanent care is were a child/children have been removed via a court and the parents can not 'ever' have the kids back but you can not adopt them/change their names. These kids can range from birth to 12 years of age. It may sound horrible but I don't want a child that I need to battle with over their past bad experiences. I know that its not their doing but the actions of their parents that have gotten them there, but in the end you can't expect that the kids won't have these bad experiences rubbing off onto them. I guess that my nephews are what brings be to these mixed feelings, even though they are the ones that helped me get to the adoption thought, but the thought that you can raise a kid from a young age, and it doesn't matter what you do for them throughout their lives, they can still not turn back the hands of time. What they have learnt through bad experiences in their past can not be erased. I do believe it is Nature not Nurture that makes people who they are.

So back to my sickness, I am still couching, don't know how those smokers can put up with constantly coughing all the time. I've had it for 2 weeks and am about to climb the walls. Work has been OK, I've been thinking again that I really don't want to work in a call centre but then one day on the phones and all of my thoughts and fears of 'I can't do this' went out the window. its so hard, I am 38 years old and don't know what I want to do with my life. I guess a large part that has been holding me back from exploring what I would want to do is the 'child' thing. As all I have ever wanted to do/be is a stay at home mum and since I have never been able to realise this, its the only thing I want. Oh that and more money of course!

Oh well I think I have done enough of making myself sick of my own thoughts, I'll sign off for now and you just never know, I could be back................

WARNING! SELF PITY REPORT

Enter at your own peril.

I thought I was sick earlier, God today feels so much worse. On Wednesday I as willing myself to be well, thought on Thursday after waking at 1am that I think I am sick, won't go to work today, felt a bit better that day. Around comes 5pm and it all turned to complete SHIT! My nose mysteriously turned into a running tap and my eyes are broken, I have put in eye drops but it doesn't seem to help for long. Today is just one long blur of wet tissues and feeling sorry for me. No one can make it go away. I'm gunna try and go back to bed, hope that when I wake it is magically gone away................................ a girl can hope can't she?

Just can't take a trick

So since my last post, there have been some changes to the group, the weird guy never came back on Monday. They told everyone that he decided to go another way, but we all believe he was pushed. Either way the team has really come together.

I started to get sick on Monday night and by yesterday I thought I was going to die through the night. My chest was so heavy and I felt like I had indigestion. I even got up to have Milanta. I actually think it is something like the flu, I was going to go to the doctors last night but couldn't get in till 8.30pm, well I was in bed by 6.45pm. So I have decided to stay home today and go to the doctors this morning. The only problem being is that I either have to walk to the clinic or catch a bus as Dazza has the car for work! Not really in the mood for walking the distance or catching public transport but I do need to get to the doctors today. I woke at 1am this morning with a temp of 38.4, wasn't sure if it was a high temp or not and I am really crap at searching on the internet but all I knew was that I felt like I was being cooked from the inside out. Its gone down now to about 37.9 so hopefully its on the down side. The couching though, boy, lucky I'm not a smoker, I don't know how they can have a hacking couch for most of their life, and I only have it when I'm sick and even then its to much to handle.

So thats it for me, not much other than that going on. Hope everyone is having a great week and I'll try and read everyones blogs.

What a week!

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been a good blog participant in the past week or so, I will try really hard this week to read whats been going on because I really feel like I have missed lots of whats been going on in your lives. Yeah Kek for the big move into the rental!

So my week thus far in the new job. Well as we are still in training it hasn't been to bad however there has been some hiccups. As you all know with the change of jobs I have stayed in the same industry but allot of the new staff are completely new to the industry. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't speak in the class as I don't want others to think that I am trying to take over or answer for the trainer, I had even mentioned this to a couple of the others in the class just in case they were feeling this way. But low and behold, it happened yesterday and I felt like the tiniest person on earth. One of the guys in the class, strange man at best, mentioned in front of everyone that when he asks a question that he wants only the trainer to answer even though he appreciates that we all bring our 'own' experiences to the job! Well I could feel myself go red and eyes on me. I really wanted to get up and walk out and never go back but I stayed. I then mentioned to the trainer after lunch that I hoped that she didn't think I was taking over but I too had to clarify in my mind the job as it is different from my old company. I also advised that I DO want to be there at this company and not the old one. She assured me that she ran that room, not him, and that she appreciated my input.

Once we started again, the whole group listening and participating, he asked a question again and someone from behind him went to answer and he stopped her in her tracks with 'I'm asking our trainer'. Well, I think he just ended every friendship he may have had in the room. How he is to work as a team in the future I have no idea as no one wants to help him or talk to him.

Anyway, for our next interesting installment in the strange man, during the week he was late back to class with another team member who is a visitor to this country. They came back half an hour late telling us that they lost track of time as they found they had a lot in common about a Bangladesh poet and he could tell us all about it to if we wanted! Hello, you are interrupting the class as we are learning a new computer system. Man what an idiot. They were told to stay behind after class and he couldn't understand what he had done wrong. The next day our visitor from another country was asked to stay behind again and then the following day I didn't expect to see him again because of his tardiness but low and behold, there he was on Friday. However by morning tea he was gone. Apparently lead away by a very 'official' looking person. Its seems we have a problem with our visa, or lack there of it! Think we may need to visit him in a detention centre somewhere.

So here I am at home, still obsorbing all that happened and my new found friends, from many walks of life which I will have to tell you about later. I have a really sore mouth that I think is from eating a pie LAST Sunday which was too hot, it seems to have blistered and ulserated and is hurting like hell.

New Job

So you have probably wondering if I fell off the earth as I have been gone for a while. Well here I am. I left my old job on Friday, it was sad to see the end of that place but exciting that I can make a fresh start with better hours :-)

New job commenced on Monday, lots of new people from diverse back grounds. Not sure yet whether my experience in the energy industry will be a help or a hindrance as they do definitely have a different way of doing things. I am still in the mind space of us and them and unfortunately I am finding it hard to include myself in the them. But we will see how that goes, can't see why I wouldn't be happy.

On the weekend I was asked to groom 3 dogs for a work, ex work colleague, I was scared as this was my first paying customer! I only charged $50 for the 3 but nicked one of the dogs and because I panic, I got Dazza to take the dog to the vet, I don't know if they stitched just to satisfy the crazy lady on the phone, (that would be me!) but the puppy cot 2 stitches on the belly. $153.65 later and I was down $103.65 for the experience. But as Dazza says 'its all experience'. They weren't the easiest dogs to do, they were mattered and I don't know how often they are clipped but boy, fully hands on.

I haven't done much in the way of diet or exercise, especially after being ill the other week. I have mainly been having soups and finding that I am satisfied with just that, I know it's not the best diet but its all the head stress I feel I can cope with at the moment. Exercise consists of walking to the train station or bus stop and walking around the city daily so my incidental exercise has increased which is lucky because that's all my exercise at the moment. I've been quite tired but I am getting up much earlier and getting home later but it's good that Dazza picks me up on our way home.

Well that's it for me today, I have got to get ready for bed, 5.30am tomorrow, and everyday of the week....................

Well I did it

I resigned from work today as they wouldn't let me go back to the other level. I have already gotten myself another position with the position in a service capacity. So will be a bit happier.

So what else has happened? Dazza has also left his job and will be starting a new one on Thursday, also in the city so we can travel together as well so I am happy with that.

Anyway, still at work so better have a move.

I'm bored

So here I am again today in my "resting" faze of being ill. But I am bored shitless. I have Foxtel but after a week it is all the same. God I want to go back to work. I haven't heard from my team manager as yet and am trying to not take it as a bad sign. I'm thinking again!

I've read everyones blogs, looked at some others and its only 9.03AM, what am I going to do now. Dazza's in bed with the flu so he's no good to talk to, I'm too scared he'll breath on me anyway. Poor boy wants warmth in bed as he's so sick and all I say is 'roll the other way' so that he doesn't breath on me. I'm such a bitch but I don't need that illness too.

Well better go and find something to occupy my mind before I start to think again.

Thanks

You gals make me laugh with your comments, so its not just me with the mental attack? I got up this morning ignoring the crap feeling, ready to get on with the day, until it hit me again. You know I'm talking about the diarrhoea, I believe that it thought, well if you ain't thinking I'll have to show you instead! I have bit the bullet when calling work this morning and told them I want to go back to service instead of staying in sales. My team manager will talk to the sales manager and request this for me, going from her thoughts it will work out ok.

I told my mum today about the anti-depressants and no sooner did I arrive back home than my brother called to check on me. It seems that he had called her just after I left there today and she told him that I was down, not sure if she told him that I was on the meds but I thought, boy that's quick.

So now I'm waiting a call from my team manager to let me know what happened before I nick down to mum and dads again, its dad's 72nd birthday today. Keep your fingers crossed for me to not only go to service but that I get a good team manager.

I think I'm gunna ...........

I think I'm just gunna stop! You know after being sick yet again this week with the dreaded diarrhoea, (yes I did it again!) I have been home again just thinking. I have been told by Dazza many times that I over think every thing. He tells me, just stop thinking about it and just do it.

Today I went back to work, second guessing myself as to whether I was well enough and decided to go, I don't like the thought of people thinking that I'm slacking so I go and in the end, I just end up coming home again. I think to much. I don't call into work because I think that they will not like me. I go to work but think that I can't do this, so feel sorry for myself and get my butt sent home. I sit on the couch and think 'whats wrong with me?' I don't want another job, I do like my job, maybe the thought of having to get the sales is effecting me. I think that I won't get the sales, which makes me come up with excuses, maybe I am just not a 'sales' person. I don't think that they will let me go back to my old position, they have stated this before. But should I try anyway?

Today on the Tyra Show there was a 'diet' war, Dazza told me to turn it over as I am not on a diet anymore, he tells me I think to much about it! I'm sitting here thinking whether I should have soup for tea or wait for Dazza as he would want pizza and I can have a pasta................. to much thinking being had here.

I am going to come up with a new train of thought. I am no longer going to think about whether I am feeling well. I think I will just be. I will tell myself I am always well that way even if I am lying to myself, I will not second guess going to work. I know that second guessing myself is sometimes good especially if I have had diarrhoea all morning but for other times, I'm lying!

WTF?

Today my mum tells me that she has seen my niece again recently, where she decided to inform my mum that when she goes into labour she wants me there! I know we have been close and its bad to say, but she was always my favorite growing up and she did live with us for many years before running away for 3 years. But come on.

Mum tells her that she thinks its a bad idea and she's just, 'do you think' and looks at her boyfriend who says mmmmmmmmmm 'yeah, think about it', and I thought he was an idiot??

I guess I have to remember that she probably doesn't realise that I am upset, not actually at her but with the situation. I never do tell people that I am upset as I MUST always be the strong one, the one everyone else can come to for there problems. I'm the solver of others problems, just not my own and don't know what to do with my problems that I have no control over.

Maybe I should change the name of my blog to 'the biggest whinger?'

MIA

Hi all, sorry I've been MIA for the past week, really don't have a lot to say at the moment. Since falling off the wagon starting with my niece I have stayed off the wagon. I have been back to the doctors and am back on the depression meds. So hopefully my momentum will build again and I will be again like the little engine that could.

I have been giving my life some thought also and am going to relax a little with my diet. I am constantly thinking about food, not what I want to eat next but the good and the bad. I think I once mentioned that I was going a bit crazy about food, considering all foods bad, even if just a plan chicken breast! I think that this could be the making of a eating disorder so thinking that I may just follow the old 'Weight Watchers' points system again, I have the books up to week 8 I think so will maybe do that. But again saying that, when I spoke to my mum about it, she asks why? 'your always on a diet' she tells me. 'Your just wide', thanks mum. I know that I should be happy with me but I can't be. Originally I thought I would just throw it all out and not do anything, just relax but without something to obsess about I find that my days are so long at work. When I'm obsessing my days same shorter as I fill my day at work with calls and in between I obsess. It all seemed good. What can I obsess about instead?

Kristy - I too have all of the 'Too good to be true' books, I found them good and even Dazza ate from them. I also loved your pictures, you are doing great, keep it up and you will be under 65 in no time.

Had a taste today

Today was some first, I actually groomed some dogs, not paid clients but real hands on grooming. My sister in-law Deb introducted me to some groomers that she has become friends with and they walked me through today. So after Jeff did Abbey's lamb clip I did Holly's clip and also Becky got herself a new do. I can tell you after starting Abby I thought, hmmmmmm maybe this isn't for me. But after warming up a bit I thought, who is perfect with their first clip or anything new that they start. It all takes practice. If only my Becky was a good girl when getting clipped but she knows she can play up for her mummy and I'll give up. But not today with Jeff beside me.

So I will continue on my journey to be a dog groomer and be able to eventually work from home and be successful.

What a couple of weeks........

So some of you may be wondering why I put the prayer on my blog? Well today was another tough one for me. I had been feeling down as you all know and felt like my depression was slipping back in. I was starting to cry for no reason and for every reason. I went to work to only just come back home and feel sorry for myself. Thought that I had better take my cat Meow to the vet but knew well and good what was coming. He has been ill of late and I had been putting off going or hoping that Dazza would take him instead so I wouldn't have to face it. So after a quick feel of the belly and trying to take bloods from him, we came home to only have to shove tablets down his throat until the results of the bloods returned. Well they did this morning and unfortunately all was not well. I did have to take him back today to be kind to him and to stop putting off the inevitable.

Meow was my first ever cat and we got him before we even got married. He was approx 17 years of age and very anti-social, just like his mum. We sat together allot today on the couch, something he rarely did, he had stopped eating and was losing weight rapidly. The last straw was in the last few days he has started to pee on himself, I couldn't work out how but maybe he was falling in it after doing it. In the end it appeared that it was just escaping his body and running down is back legs. It was a very horrible thing to see him go through. At least with the dogs it was really quick but to know for a day what I had to do, it was doing in my head. I know now that his is with Shelby and Chuck, buried in my yard but running around together up in heaven.

It still amazes me why we get pets to only have out hearts broken time and time again. They just don't live long enough and wish they would live forever with us or until our time was up.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Where did it go?

I've been looking really hard for it, under the bed, behind the couch, in the cupboard but its nowhere to be found. Have you seen it?

I'm looking for my mojo......................... since my flip out with my niece being pregnant, and I mean literally since then which is over a week ago now, I have lost my momentum for my diet and exercise.

I know that I can not worry about other people and what happens with them or not with me and I should just keep peddling but it has done my head in. I understand that I am an emotional eater and even though I can see that, I can't get past, around or over it.

I have been getting comments from work about how I am looking slimmer which start to light the fire but still no ongoing flames. I think I have been through this before and some kind ladies told me to 'just get on with it' but you know what, why?

I know that I want to be slim and not see my pear shape body looking back at me in the mirror, I know that I want to be that girl I can still see in photo's from only 20 years ago who was happy to be photographed in bikini's. I don't even like to be photographed from the neck up at the moment unless I have creative editing. So why do we find it so darn hard to just do it?

I generally love to read every ones blogs for inspiration and even that is letting me down at the moment as there is only maybe 1 or 2 of you 'exercise/daily life' posting lately, oh My god, here I go now blaming you guys for my lazy arse, I should quit while I'm ahead.

-----------------------------------------
Update: have just completed lower body weights - back on the horse :-P

What a waste....................

I also wanted to thank everyone for their kind words before I went on with this post. It really means allot.

What a waste of a good night. I did go to the Ball after all last night but did my usual thing of calling Dazza to come and get me by about 10.30pm. I did have a good time but a better time I could have had at home with Daz! There were performers all over the place starting with a poor woman dressed as a cat crawling around the floor rubbing up against you. I'm sorry but I get enough of that at home with my 3 cats. There was a flame thrower and a juggler except he kept on dropping his balls. Food was finger food, not bad but nothing to write home about. Drinking, well there was that but it turned out to be beer, wine, champers and soft drink. Its funny the only soft drink I did see was towards the end of the night and you should have seen how small the bottles were. Wouldn't have been wanting to alternate with those as they were smaller that a cup yet the alcohol was huge. I ended up having to find Dazza in the city as he is no good with directions even when spelt out for him. How hard is it to find The Regent Theatre in Collins Street anyway????

But I'm up now with no sore head but the makings of a sore throat that I have to clear allot but other than that no damage done. Although I have lost 4 hours of my life that I will never get back ;P

Sorry about this but more doom and gloom

Today I found out that a young guy that Dazza had taken under his wing many moons ago committed suicide last week and his funeral is on Friday.

It makes me cry as he was such a nice kid. Originally we knew the family as his father used to go to Dazza's work and just hang around. He was an alcoholic but a real nice guy. Dazza would take is son Steve motocross riding and although his father was an alcoholic, Steve never wanted for anything. His parents spoilt him rotten. Then unfortunately his parents relationships started to take a turn for the worst and they separated.

Still we would have Steve come over and Dazza would really support him. Steve's father committed suicide by jumping in front of a train about 10 years ago. Steve was devastated as you could imagine as he loved his dad dearly. Over the years Steve had seemed to be pulling through but we then got word that he had gotten into drugs and was in hospital in the phsc ward. Dazza went to see him a few times to see if he could help. By this time I think his family thought Dazza was the only one that may have been able to help him. Unfortunately this was not the case, no one but Steve could help himself. He lost most of his friends and his girlfriend couldn't sit around and watch him kill himself slowly with the drugs so she too left.

Steve was about 23 years of age when he tragically took his own life last Wednesday. I don't know if he was alone, drugged, drunk, upset, lonely or even meaning to kill himself but that is just what he did. He had so much to live for, he was such a good looking smart kid that could do anything if he put his mind to it. But that is not to be. I am sad that another young person has ended their life as they didn't know that they had the love and support of others and if they did know, they didn't know how to use it.

On telling my nephew of this news tonight, he started to cry, he also knew Steve as a young guy, he too has trouble with his own situation and hope like hell that I will not have to deal with the same situation with him. He has started to following the the drug direction just like his own father. God help me get the strength to bring him back before it is too late for him too.

I've made my mask for the Ball

Its amazing what you can do with just a few things frm Spotlight, this baby ended costing about $13.25, better than the $40-$100 that could have been spent.

Why?

Sometimes I ask myself 'Why me?' or even 'Why not me?' this all relates to the fact that we can't have children and have tried all means, and I mean all means, currently on the adoption roller coaster. When I get a phone call from a 'young' relative, who is too scared to tell me that she is pregnant. I can understand her hesitation to tell me, she was just about brought up by me and know of all of the difficulties that we have faced and am still facing.

Let me fill you in on some background. She is technically 'obese', had been advised recently in the last 12 months that she has PCOS. This is fine as she isn't planning on having kids yet anyways, needs to have a steady boyfriend first but of course being 'young' she has plenty of time. Because of this fact that she isn't planning on having them anytime soon anyways, she has been on the contraceptive injection for about 5 years now. So she has been on her merry way doing what she does. She is living between her dad's sisters place and her own mums lounge room couch, not a home to call her own. Has now found a guy who appears to worship her, after all they have been together for about mmmmmmmmmmm 3 minutes! OK about 3 months but still not long enough to know if its going to stick.

She calls me yesterday to see how I am, all I'm thinking is now what, what is it that I have that you need. Remember I took her to the Pink concert, had to pay for her ticket and dinner to only end up with her crap the next day. Anyhow, she has something to tell me..................................... she does the guessing game, as a young person does.

Her: guess
Me: I don't know
Her: guess
Me: What
Her: guess
Me: I don't know, your pregnant, engaged, getting married
Her: yeap
Me: what engaged?
Her: pregnant 8 weeks 3 days

What can I say??? Are you keeping it? What about the new BF, what did he say? What about his parents? What about your mum? (not that she would care another single mum's pension to be rolled out)

It turns out the BF has said if she keeps it they will get married and get their own place (he lives with his parents, good Maltese boy), if she gets rid of it they will go their separate ways (doesn't sound right to me??) His parents are OK about it NOW, bit at first not to darn happy. They apparently really like her at the start. I don't know who they think will pay for the wedding as her mum can't even pay for dinner at a restaurant, even for herself let alone the whole family. I paid for the deb when she lived with me and I ain't paying for the wedding.

So I am feeling really low and sorry for myself. I even went for drinks after work for a friend who is leaving work at TGI Fridays, you know I had 2 Margaritas and 1 non juice type drink plus chicken quesadilla's (not best choice) to drown my sorrows. We have a ball for work this Friday the 3rd of August and I even think I will go to that. I am having an arm wrestle with myself at the moment and the going is winning against the not going side. I don't know but I could do with the good time and wallowing in self pity cocktails.

so sick of.......

Today/tonight I came to a realisation about something. After telling Livy she was doing a great job cutting out her coffee and saying I wouldn't be without it, I think I will have to try and cut back. You see I feel like my teeth are always stained. I don't smoke so its not for that, I don't drink tea often so not that, it can only be the coffee. So I think that I will have coffee in the morning before work and before brushing of the teeth and only after I return home at night, that way they will be brushed before bed removing any staining that same night. It will be hard but I think in the end cheaper than going to the dentist for whitening.

I think I did well this week so far with the gym, on Monday I did lower body and I have decided that I have been a pussy about the weights that I am using so increased it a bit, by Tuesday I could feel the muscles. Tuesday night was cardio, treadmill on incline, by Tuesday bed time, I was ceasing up if I sat for too long. Today being Wednesday it was upper body, and if I wimp anywhere it is the upper body weights, I am so weak in the upper body. Tonight however I think I might have made a slight improvement. I continued to fatigue. Yay is me, except tomorrow I will probably be crying when I can't lift my arm over my head :( but the little birdie tells me 'when you break it, it gets bigger and stronger' something I had forgotten until reading it again on Livy's page, some wise lady once told us................

So I went to the supermarket once again tonight and brought my special nightie nite pills, I've taken 2 and am just waiting for them to kick in. I will read a few blogs before that happens.

Update

Things are going OK on my BFL challenge, my friend at work tells me daily what day we are up to. She is so upbeat, the type of optimism that you can only aspire to, you know who you are :)

Tonight I felt like something a little different and probably over eat with my calories but it was nice. I made Asia@home Laksa. I added a chicken breast and coriander and have enough for another meal. I do think the coconut milk was not lite milk :(

My free day also seemed to go a little overboard. I had my Big Mac meal, microwave popcorn, licorice, nearly a whole packet of Tim Tams, coke and I made chili con carne burritos for dinner. I don't think the dinner was all that bad as the meat had nearly no visible fat and there was no other fat added, it was all rolled by in a burrito with lite sour cream and lettuce. I had that for lunch today also.

I haven't missed a day of exercise at all, although I think that I can increase my weights as I am only lifting light weight. Yesterday when doing lower body I increased the hand weights when doing my squats and I can definitely feel my quads today. I did the treadmill tonight for cardio and can still not run on the treadmill due to the fear of falling factor but am increasing the speed and incline. I can feel it in the quads again with the treadmill and after sitting for a while tonight could feel that I was beginning to stiffen up.

I have reverted back to the not much sleep pattern as Dazza is now using the front door to come in from work after the dogs escaped via his entrance route however tried my best not to blame him. Although the trouble for me now is that the front door is at our bedroom window so I hear him no matter what time he comes home and I am a lite sleeper :( I forgot to buy more of the Valerian tonight when at the supermarket so am really kicking myself but think I will be able to cope for another night at least.

Well I am off to read a few of the other brillant ladies that we have here in blog land.

I've been a bad girl I think.................

Last night I got the munchies, I di end up eating things that were not on Bob's list :O like: mountain bread made into chips, rice cakes with Phillie cheese (not thickly spread) with ham, a hand full of chips with my fish from fish n chip shop and a whole heap of almonds. It may not be as bad as I'm thinking and I'm hoping that someone will tell me that I didn't overdo it. I must admit that I didn't eat 6 meals in the day so maybe this is ok and compensates for the less meals? Could this be so???

I definately do not want last night to be my free meal day as I am looking forward to a Big Mac and licorise icecream and I don't know what else yet

We got a new pet

So last Sunday I saw the most beautiful Rottweiler, little girl at 10 weeks old. I so nearly got her but changed my mind as I was having doubts. After all I can't control Domolition dog let alone a new 50 kilo ball of muscle. So you ask, what pet did we get then???


I think it should be called shovel because if I see it out of its enclosure, thats what I'll be calling for. Dazza told me to keep an eye on it tonight and if I want to take it out of the enclosure, to shut the door first cause it will be hard to catch! Like thats gunna happen. We still don't know its sex but will have it sexed when it gets a bit bigger. Its real name is a Stimson 'childrens' python, its life span is 25-30 years! its only 4 months now. It should only grow to a metre long. It eats frozen 'fuzzies', that would be mice, once per week.

Its offical

I've been to the doctor who has told me that I have Sinusitis. I've had this before a few years ago so thought that this could be it again. He told me to drink more water! How can that be possible, I drink heaps now, but apparently when you have this, at night time you breath through your mouth which loses 20% more fluid making you dehydrated causing the headaches.

So this also explains the cracked dry sore lips that feel like footballs. Drink more water, if it was that simple when you are already drinking over 2 litres a day.

You won't believe it

I ate fish tonight! Thats right real fish, not tuna in a can. Actual fish. I didn't cook it myself but I ate it myself. I went around to the fishn chip shop and brought me a grilled butter fish. No I don't want crumbs or batter, just grilled fish. You probably don't realise, I don't eat fish. Too smelly and it tastes like fish. So I don't eat it. But it was nice, made me some potato wedges in the oven and some salad ...................... next thing you know, its gone.

My throast is still sore, lucky I have tomorrow off too. I still went to the gym to do lower body workout. Its brillant with BFL, everyone is like, 'going already?', that man has the right idea, in and out. Thats all it takes. Tomorrow his cardio again so back to try that darn treadmill. I will not let it beat me.

Also think I will be going into the city again or back to DFO in Essendon as Domolition dog has been at it again, Dazza's new sneakers, brought them about 4 weeks ago, yeap, gone to sneaker heaven or at least into Domo's gut anyway. Men, you just can't tell them to shut the bl**dy door. (are you listening Drea?)

Its happening............

No not the weight loss but I'm coming down with something! Why is that? Every time someone starts a new plan they get sick. What is with that? I know its been cold and possibly is it is just a coincidence, OK more than likely but I don't like have sore throats and sore lips to match. i swear I must look like I have had Botox in my lips, well they feel that big anyway.

I went to the gym last night to do my cardio and have found that I have a new phobia, don't know where it came from but not only can I not run on the treadmill but I am having difficulties just walking on it! I was fine about 2 or so weeks ago, remember I think I said on here that I was able to do intervals of hills and I was on that thing probably for a good hour, now, i can't even get past 3.5ks before I jump to the sides. Whats wrong with me? I love the treadmill. Last night I had to use other cardio equipment like the 'cross trainer', now I am no runner so 6 minutes in I was counting them down. The the gym manager comes over to welcome me back and is there chatting away. I had to tell him to go away or I would possibly start hyperventilating and falling off the darn thing.

I made it through and now with my sore throat and what feels like gigantic lips that are cracked and crap, I don't feel like eating at all. So will have to go and force something down my throat as its 10.30am, I've been up since 6.30am and haven't had anything but 3 coffees. I can hear Kerryn yelling at me already through the computer.

A new beginning of sorts

Yesterday I offically started the BFL! I'm scared and excited all at once, is that possible??

I ate clean yesterday with oats, eggs, mandarins, more eggs, chicken, brown rice and broccoli. I have laminated Bill's food list from the net and if it ain't on the list, its not going past my lips.

Went to get measured at the gym last night so that I could put a body fat measurement on the application form, 34.33% .......................... it may seem high but since my last body fat test over 12 months ago, it has come down, especially upper body.

Tonight I'll head back to the gym on my way home from work to do a quick 20minutes cardio session before coming home to my specially made brown rice and chicken. Last night I got lunch ready and was upset to find the tin of tuna I brought was sandwich tuna, when squeezing out the liquid I found it was oily, so gave it a quick rinse but don't know how much tuna I ended up with in the end. I will have to look closer next time. Anyway, must make a run as I do need to get ready for work, still don't understand why I need to go to work .................................

Something new

Tonight I decided to make some changes .............................. to my hair!

Yes, once again I decided to make some scary, drastic, could have turned out bad decisions. I decided to lighten it. It was only about 3-4 weeks ago since I made it darker with some copper type highlights and cut it all off and tonight I just decided to buy some hair lightener. It worked but I don't know if I want to go lighter. I'm glad that I didn't just trot off to the shop again and buy more, this is what I would normally have done, but I have waited to this morning to decide if I want to lighten it more. Dazza didn't notice the first lot but that's nothing unusual.

I think now I would call it mousy brown. may still go to the shop and buy some high lighters, you can get them in a pen form now so that you don't have any mixing and carry on, just plain and simple draw a line and let it set.

We also have a new Curves Gym opened in Craigieburn so might go down and have a look at that one, have a free pass for 1 visit so might go and do a 'I spy'. I have a gym membership but I love anything for FREE.

I'm so over those scales

Today I have modified my 12 week challenge weekly weigh in's because I am sick of getting upset by the ever changing ups and downs. I now vow to only weigh in every 4 weeks. This way it stops me getting depressed and in turn eating because of the 'whats the point' conversation with myself.

I am also going to complete my Cert 3 & 4, so far I have done the theory side through Tafe and due to the nature of call centre's think I will be better off doing it via correspondence or once on a months leave I will do it full time somewhere and get it over and done with. However that's easier said than done because on the 4 weeks that I am planning on having off in October I want to complete a week at a dog grooming school, get ducted heating and cooling installed and fit in the course if I can find one that matches my time off. That's just as bad as going to work! Where is the time off there in this 'holiday' from work?

I think I liked the information from 'Fitnation' as correspondence, so will investigate further. I am sick of going to work in a place that I really don't enjoy when I know what I really want to do........ that's of course sit on my butt at home, I know that it is lazy and I would get bored and that's where the dog grooming and fitness come in. At least I can manage my own time and not be 'allocated' hours to work some someone else.

CRAPOLA DAY

Today started off fine but by thisarvo it turned CRAPOLA. I had trouble with Telstra Mobiles, asked to have lunch 20 minutes earlier than normal so that I could met up with Dazza and go to Telstra to pick up his mobile as I needed to sign for it as it is under my name. Therefore he now has no mobile which freaks me out and I can't contact him over night if I need to. eeek!

I can't get past the idea that my TM didn't even check if I could change my lunch break as normally she would have told me the answer without me waiting until the last minute that I'm expecting to walk out the door :(

I really feel like eating, and its funny because I picked up that feeling as soon as it happened. I haven't resorted to the bad food machine but had to contain my thoughts as I could see that I would get home after 9pm and want to eat everything in sight. I am proud that I have been able to recognise this before it happened :)

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OK, my mood has changed, just got a call from a really old friend who happened to call about her account. Isn't it really fun when you realise you know someone, you either can recognise their voice or mannerism or even just there name. We had a really good laugh on the phone for about 30 minutes, will kill the stats but I'm so glad I got her.

Drea - a cross sell is when you get a customer to change to your company from another company, it raises revenue of course so its better for business than a up sell which is just changing a current customers account type.

Keeping a low profile

The 'Work Cover Police' are here......... I'm keeping a low profile. I tell you its just like that too, there are actually 2 here and I thought they were undercover cops. The investigate the claim completely and it could even end up in court. oops, wonder if they think they did something wrong now????

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This morning thought I would put the 40/10 plan into action for my cardio workout and ended up changing to the 40/40 plan and when I thought I could do it no longer or I would hurl, it went to the 40/20 plan. All in all I think it went well, works well into my BFL thinking as well as I only did it for 20 minutes but I could definitely feel it. Its funny because I thought yesterday when I have to modify my exercises for my lower body because I did it at home instead of the gym, that I hadn't really worked my hamstrings but they are sore this morning, not overbearing, but I can feel them. That actually makes me feel happy. So tomorrow morning back to the gym to do upper body or I might just do it at home. I also want to go to the beauty/torture parlour tomorrow too, so will see how we go.

So today is another day, hope to continue on my winning streak at work with my sales, 5 cross sales yesterday, not to bad I think although they weren't ones I had to work for really, feel I might have cheated the system a bit there but as my Team Manager says 'you still got them, your too hard on yourself' so I will take them in my stride.

Another decision made

Yesterday I decided to do my 'pros & cons' list for my job interview today.

Well the Pros have it! I will be attending today, with a renewed confidence that the position is already mine. Its how I have been feeling since hearing that I had an interview. That's been the most scary part I think, over confidence. I have also heard that there were 8 internal applications and 44 external so I already feel like a bit of a winner, to have even been selected.

After going to the gym yesterday my chest and biceps are feeling it a bit this morning. My tummy feels funny so have distinguished if that is abs or something else going on there. Hopefully its abs from my lat pull downs because I don't want to be sick.

We did some more precision selling techniques on Friday in training and I am excited to give it a go and see if it does indeed help me out with my sales. The only problem being is that I have the interview today so I will be late to work and that's one thing I hate. Being late. I know that its an internal position so they make accommodation for you being late but all I can think about is how late I will be, I just hate it.

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I'm back from the interview and it didn't go as planned, I really zoned out after a while, hate all those 'tell me a time when....' type of questions. Why am I doing this again? I like what I'm doing already. I ended up with a splitting headache and am at home. will just roll up on the couch with the panadol.

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On another note:
Work cover called today to come out on Wednesday morning to see Dazza. I think his old employer will not know what hit him, and too right to if he is doing the wrong thing by his employees. There is or should only be 1 rule for all.

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Later............
Been to the gym to do some cardio, very proud that I did the bike, 7.5kms, 20 minutes interval. Left like I could hurl when I came out, let alone walk down the stairs, felt like I was going to crash land on the bottom step. I have made it and am about to dry some clothes as well as iron some. A woman's work is never done.................

Miracles to happen

When I got up this morning I was totally amazed. No the dishes hadn't been done, or the vacuuming or even the rubbish taken out...................................

After being Dazza had a piece of the Choc-Berry Slices from Kerryn's recipes, he told me 'they were alright', I explained 'even though their healthy', he advises yes, even though. On awaking this morning I find that half the plate is EMPTY! Normally as soon as he hears the words 'healthy' he runs kicking and screaming but lat night he did no such thing. I am so proud of my man. This after feeding him one of my own beef kebabs and he even enjoyed that to. Miracles will never cease.

I jumped on the BFL guest book last night to ask a question about the number of supplements that must be taken to do the BFL challenge and had a look this morning to see if I had been answered. I was amazed to see how many people use this tool and the number of answers flying in. I had to go about 6 pages deep to find my own question to be able to go forwards to find my answer, I'm sure its in my email as well but still just amazed at the amount of info flying around!

Kerryn, I went to the supermarket yesterday as I told you I would and saw that in the sugar isle where the Splenda and they like are, that there is in fact a 'liquid sweetener' there. I didn't buy it as I was sure that you would have seen it in Coles before and as you hadn't mentioned it before, that it must have been crap. But have you seen it before?

Also found out that for adoption they like your BMI to be in the normal range of 18-25, as you can see from my new ticker, it is out of that range, this will help me keep on top of it. So I think I will have to make a new commitment to self and start the BFL Challenge. It will be hard as I don't really have any self discipline but will definitely give it a good go. Don't know what date I will start from but it has to be before 3rd September.

Didn't make it

Today I didn't make it to the gym just as I thought. I did however get to spend a limited time with Dazza before going out with mum, the Great Niece Keira and Great Nephew DJ. Today they weren't even trouble, mum had brought along a double stroller so I didn't have to chase them all over the shopping centre which was novel. Although did have to contend with DJ pulling Keira's hair when we weren't looking. Bloody kid :O

I am actually quite tired tonight, my arms are sore, my body is just tired, has noting to do with the Bourbon and coke I've just had. I did make Kerryn's Berry-Choc slice tonight, its still cooling at the moment so haven't had a slice. I put the berries in frozen so hope it hasn't effected the slice badly but time will tell. Am going to make the slice minus the protein powder for Wednesday's food day at work.

I have a job interview on Monday which I have told you about already, still haven't made up my mind if I want ti or not but I must admit the thought of being able to have Christmas holidays without worrying about the call centre would be good. I would be working along side the Ombudsman office so would think that they would end up running on skeleton staff over the holidays so that would also make it easier. I am yet to do my pros and cons sheet, think I'm putting it off not wanting to know the results but will have to do it tomorrow.

Well that's enough rattle from me tonight, feel like I'm about to fall asleep on every key stroke.